Bent, Not Broken: My Scoliosis Story (among other things)

Scared and Hopeful

Have you ever gone through a time where you're just scared- of everything? I've been pretty good at looking at the bright side lately, or at least pretending to- but I cant't deny it. I'm freaking terrified most of the time. Granted, it could be worse. And it's not like I'm hiding in corners and sulking in doorways. I've actually been functioning fairly normally. And, of course, there are still so many nice things. It's not that I'm sad, I'm just almost constantly on edge. It's late at night though, that it's the worst. When there is no noise to fill my head except the clamor of my own thoughts, when I'm finally left alone with myself. That's often when I find myself writing. It helps, seeing such chaotic thoughts arranged neatly in rows of black and white. Calming.
But I admit, I'm just scared of everything right now. My dad. My back. My friends. What could possibly be coming next. I really care about Nolen- but I'm afraid to let him in. I'm afraid of myself, for God's sake, afraid I'll fail myself, fail the people I care about. It's nerve wrecking, such chaos. It's only three weeks until I'm back at orthopedics. I know what they're going to say- but I'm kind of dreading hearing it. Most of all though, I'm afraid to fall again. Fall for him. I know he's different, I do. In my heart of hearts, I really want to believe he would never hurt me. So why can't I bring myself to open up? I thought this was over when I told him about my back, when he reacted so well, comforted me. Well, apparently it wasn't.
He's amazing. He really is. But I'm just so hesitant to do anything about it, because I'm terrified of being hurt when I'm already so vulnerable. And now I feel terrible, selfish, for holding back, for not being sure how I feel. Half the time, I want nothing more than to be with him and be happy. And half the time, I'm close to shutting him out completely. Quite the dilemma, isn't it?
But I suppose when I'm anxious so much of the time, I do learn to appreciate one thing: calm. It comes sometimes when I write, sometimes when I draw or sing. Most often, though, it's when I'm with who I care about. Nolen, my sister, my best friend. Somehow, they make me laugh until I forget why I've been crying. My sister makes me feel needed, my best friend makes me feel wanted, and Nolen makes me feel safe. With them, I can finally relax for a minute. I suppose that's why I'm so scared of losing them- when you find someone who can shut out the worry, you know you need to hold them close. And still, you wonder if they're silently slipping away.
Have you ever gone through a time where you're just scared- of everything? I've been pretty good at looking at the bright side lately, and my hope is this: I hope that if you truly are scared of everything, you have people to help you shut out the worry. Even just for a while. Thanks for being one of them.