dear ethan | ✓

the fifth letter

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dear ethan,

i'm not going to let you read this letter. this one's just for me, i need to get it off my chest, and i guess this is just a way of preparing myself for if i do tell you when you wake up. for when i tell you.

do you remember in sophomore year i started getting all those messages on my phone, and in my locker, telling me how i was fat and ugly and that no one would ever want me?

it was all melissa.

i can't believe i'm only telling you this now - well, when you wake up - but i came to my senses and realised that if i never did, you might never believe me about how evil she really is.

every single day for about 7 months i got a note from that manipulative little bitch, giving me a reason not to live. you remember?

and do you also remember how i believed each and every one of them? you were always popular, ethan, one of the jocks who everyone loved. i wasn't.

yeh, i was best friends with you, but i still wasn't exactly people's favourite. you stuck up for me but i always felt that i wasn't wanted.

and then i started getting the messages, and they all confirmed what i was thinking.

after a while, i found out who it was - melissa. sweet, innocent melissa who i thought was actually going to be nice to me seeing as how she was your girlfriend.

the day i found out was the day that you told me you were in love with her. you were so fucking happy, so over the moon and content and in love that i just couldn't bring myself to tell you.

for a bit i stayed silent, until i couldn't take it any more and tried to warn you about who she was truly. i still couldn't tell you the truth. the notes had stopped after i found out, but i still couldn't ruin the person who you genuinely loved, as much as it hurt me.

so instead i tried to get you to see for yourself how horrible she was - is. i tried everything, but i think i always knew deep down that i couldn't physically break you up without telling you, because i couldn't bring myself to see my best friend broken up & hurt. i'm so sorry, ethan.

she hated me. when you two started dating, she saw me as an obstacle, something that would get in the way of your relationship. so she tried to take me down.

she tried to make me feel worthless, and for a while it worked.

remember how towards the end of sophomore year i lost a ton of weight? i told you i'd joined the track team, which wasn't exactly a lie, and that that was the only reason that i'd lost a bit of fat. that wasn't the only reason.

yeh, i started doing more exercise. but i also stopped eating.

your precious little girlfriend, who you loved so much, made me hate myself with every fibre in my body, so much that i just destroyed myself, bit by bit.

i'm never going to tell you about what i did, or let you read this letter. i can't imagine how weak you would think i am after finding out. i don't even want to know.

so for know this is just me telling the story to a piece of paper, never to be read ever again. you can never know what those messages lead me to do.

but i guess you at least get to know who wrote them.

love from your best friend,

chloe. xx

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