Damaged...But Not Broken

Meltdown

Jessica stays at the coffee shop for 2 hours. She writes some more in her journal but mostly doodles some random flowers all over the next page. She reads a couple of chapters from a book she's reading. She checks her phone for the time then gathers her journal and puts it into her purse. She leaves a tip for the waitress and heads back to her apartment.
When she gets home she changes into pajamas and lays on the couch. She closes her eyes and thinks of her baby again. Most days she tries to forget. She imagines what he or she would have looked like. She imagined her features on the baby's face, her baby's smile. Tears roll down her face. She thinks to herself, "I need to stop doing this." She loved that baby so much, it's what had kept her going when things with Sam made her think there was no escape. The thought of Sam brought up all her anger and rage to the surface. "DAMN YOU SAM!, ALL I DID WAS LOVE YOU. WHY WASN'T THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU!!!!" she screamed. She got up grabbed the closest vase and throws it at the wall. The vase shatters into hundreds of tiny pieces. She fell to her knees, hugged herself around her midsection and cried.
She finally let everything out. For months she had kept everything inside. She had cried before but not like this; uncontrollable, gasping for breath. She hadn't thought much of Sam; the last time she saw him was in court when their divorce was finalized. She hated him so much, but who she hated more was herself. She blamed herself for staying with him, for not stopping him the first time he hit her, for making excuses for him, for going back into that house that day and she blamed herself because she couldn't protect her baby.
Jessica couldn't breathe, she needed air. She got up and ran to open the sliding glass door leading to the balcony. She rushes outside, puts her hands on the railing of her balcony. She breathes in and out trying to get control of herself. The cold air helps clear her mind a bit, she starts to look around, then she looks down. She's on fifteen floor and a thought crosses her mind.
"No Jessica!" she tells herself.
She scares herself for thinking it.
"I can't believe I thought of suicide! No I'm not going to do that. I can't give up."
Feeling ashamed she thought of jumping, she slowly steps away from the railing turns around and walks over to sit on her lounge chair. Jessica has stopped crying, she's thinking more clearly now. She puts her head in her hands; right there and then she decides to go back to acting and try to move on with her life. She was calm again and thought to herself, "You are such an idiot Jessica. To allow a man to make you become so weak." She makes a vow to herself to never fall in love or to allow a man to make her weak again.