The Sacred Violet Heart

Missing Him.

**I never thought; I would miss someone this badly in my life... until I met HIM.**

There I was, a month later; sitting up in my bed in the mid of night... thinking about him and talking to myself....

**Do you know how it feels?**

**Do you know how it feels... when you are dying of hunger and the food is right before you.. all you need to do is stretch your hand................................. but when you stretch.. there is no hand!
My condition is much worse than that.**

**Do you know how it feels when you are drowning and need something to hang on.. you finally hold on to something.. but it only turns out be another drowning person!
My condition is much worse than that!**

I had never wished anything from god till now. He gave me everything! I didn't have anything to ask for. But now; for the first time in my life; when I asked for death, I don't get it.

"You won't get it. I took it for you."

He was sitting in front of me on my bed!

ME: How did you get in here?

**Ya.. ya.. don't panic..! Hallucinating about him has become common for me.**

HE: I don't have boudaries and limits babe!

ME: Ya.. sorry I forgot. But it is not right for a guy to enter a girl's room at mid of night and sit on her bed!

[Sorry! No offence meant! This is how it is in India! Or to be more precise; in orthodox and traditional families.]

HE: No rules for me! I am not a guy.. I am a soul. By the way; you were the one who called me!

ME: No I din't!

HE: Yes you did. Din't you remember me?

ME: Ya... but..I din't ask you to come.

HE: But you wanted me to!

I blushed.

Just imagine my condition...

<A 20 yr old young lady.. sitting up in bed with a soul at midnight; and flirting with it! How gross!

And for those how don't believe in all that; just imagine a medical student having serious psychiatric problems like hallucinations and stuff.... having an imaginary friend who answers her questions..... it is still gross!

Either way, my condition is pathetic and he is the reason.>

ME: Don't make me hate myself!

HE: That is exactly why I am here!

ME: To make me hate myself??!

HE: No.. to make you stop that.

ME: How can I? When I've got you and this stupid violet heart with me.

HE: What have we done?

ME: Everything!

Because of this stupid thing that you've given me; I am losing my individuality!

And as each day passes by; I wake up feeling much less like me.

This thing absorbs more of me and glows brighter, but no one else notices! Is it a cursed jewel?

Do you know that I feel and experience the pain of others? It is like I am in their body when they have the pain. {You don't know how distressing it is, to a medical student; who always has to see others in pain.}

When I am among people, I hear what they don't say!

I can even know well in advance, what they are going to say!

I can understand their thoughts, before they express them!

I feel those emotions, which they never show!

I carry the mood, of the environment around me!

I feel like trees, rocks, caves, rivers, falls, birds, animals etc. everything in nature is whispering to me!

I cannot have my own emotions until I am alone! That is why I have become a nocturnal creature... waking up at nights to gain solitude.

And you! You have occupied the rest of me!

When I have to speak, I would think what you would speak in a situation like that!

If I had to write, I would imagine you dictating it to me!

If I had to react, I would imagine how you would!

In short; I have stopped being me and started being you instead!

HE: Hmm..... so it is working!

ME: What?!

"Radha are you alright! What are you doing? Whom are you talking to?"

My mom was standing at the door awestruck!

He was not there! **Obviously!**

ME: Nightmare.

Mom: My poor girl! Have you still not got over him? Do you want me to sleep here with you?

ME: No mom! It's okay. I am fine.

After she left, I fell back into my bed.

**Why does this have to happen? When I was about to get an answer... why did it have to get spoilt?**

I looked at the violet heart... It was glowing brighter than ever..... must have got recharged... of course! The more I lose myself.. the more it gets charged.

I don't know when I fell asleep.