Don't Leave Me Alone | TØP

Chapter 12 // Josh

I should be the one who had the accident. I should be the one dying. Not him.

That's the only thing I've been thinking about for the past three hours. My mind can't really focus on any other thing and even if I try to stop I keep blaming myself for everything.

It was all my fault. Tyler had nothing to do with this.

I rub my eyes, I'm pretty sure they're red for crying for two hours straight. But I don't really care about how I look right now.

I want my best friend back.

The sound of the heart monitor interrupts my thoughts. I look down and I find myself sitting next to Tyler's bed. I don't remember how long I've been here but I remember the way I begged the doctor so he could let me stay with my bro. He finally acceded but I know he's already done with my shit.

I bite my lip, nervously. I haven't said a single word since I entered the room, and I don't really want to say anything right now. I just wanted to see Tyler. Who knows if this is the last time I see him.

The thought of losing Tyler makes me shiver. I wouldn't be what I am right now if it wasn't for him. He can't leave me, he means too much to me.

But this was my fault. And whatever happens is my responsibility.

I'm such an idiot. I hope the same happens to me.

My mind won't shut up and I start to get worried. Everything's going too fast. What am I supposed to do now? I finally let out a long sigh. Probably talking to Tyler will make me feel better, but I know I can't hide this feeling forever.

"Hey, bro." I rub my eyes. "I know it has been a while since I've talked to you. The doctors won't let me see you so frequently."

That's the worst start to a conversation with a comatose person. Go me!

"Things aren't the same without you, tho. We all miss you so much. Even the Clique is worried about you." I remember all the messages I read in Twitter and I can't help but smile a little. "I also met a fan this morning. Her name's Emma. She... she's really sweet."

The thought of Emma makes me feel better but also makes me feel weird.

"Jenna and your parents are also really worried, as you can see. They stay almost all day with you. Also the whole crew is here. We are all here."

I don't know what to say. The words I want won't come out of my mouth so I'm just saying whatever comes to my mind.

"Tyler..." I rub my eyes again. "I haven't been the same without you either. I have never felt this way before, I've never felt this scared."

I make a huge effort to stay calm and say those words without breaking down.

"I know you're gonna be okay. I know you're strong enough to stay alive, but if I lose you, what am I supposed to do? How am I gonna handle this? I can't even handle seeing you in this state."

I take a look at his pale face: his closed eyes are surrounded by a pale shade of purple. His face makes me shrink a little more every time I look at him.

"I remember when I said those words to you. I... didn't mean it. I didn't mean to act that rude, but I knew this was gonna happen somehow. I knew something was gonna happen and I-"

I stop when I realize I'm stressing out again. I don't know if Tyler can hear what I say but I hope he didn't hear that, even though it's true. I try to regulate my breath and then I rub my eyes again.

"I want you back, Tyler. I really want you back. I want to fix this. I want to be with you again." I stare at his face again. "Just, please, stay with us a little longer."

Those are probably the words I was trying to say before. I feel my heart bump very fast in my chest. My hands are sweaty and my whole body is shaking. It's impossible for me to calm down right now. I hesitate and lean towards his face and before I regret it I quickly kiss his pale cheek.

"Well," I say, blushing a little. "I guess I need to leave now. I don't want the doctor to be mad at me, tho."

I'm about to stand up from where I'm sitting, and that's when I swear I saw his closed eyes flicker, like he was trying to open them. I don't know if that actually happened or not, but if it did then I guess that's a good signal.

(Edited 08/22/16)