transparent people

exerpt from a book ill never write

"he's always just so happy, and as annoying as it is, I kind of love it and I don't want anyone or anything to take that away from him." she said, pushing her hair behind her ear and taking another drag off of her cigarette. " but I don't understand. you find it annoying that he's happy? I thought you loved him? " her friend asked while shaking her head. "I do...no it's just...well I mean, I don't know. kind of. I guess I just wish that I could be like him. I want to be positive all the time, and I love how he is. so, if he were ever to be sad I would fucking kill whoever made him sad, because he doesn't deserve it. he deserves happiness. even if he won't let me give it to him." she sighed as she took the final drag from her cigarette and tossed it to the ground. " i think I've finally accepted that I'll never be able to be the one that makes him smile or be able to wake up every morning and see him. Im not okay with that, but I will be one day. so until then I'll drown my thoughts in alcohol and other guys until I lose myself completely. Just so I can find myself again, but this time it'll be without him."