Tears in the Stars

What should have been

"A-ONE TWO THREE FOUR, U.S MARINE CORPS!" There they are. The Marines. Parris Island. I can see myself running along there. I'm older. A little bit taller, and a lot stronger. I shake my head. I can't watch this. I close my eyes for a few minutes. And finally, the wind picks up and I'm carried away. I hear music. It's an organ. I open my eyes. There I am, walking down the aisle. Something is right, though...The man waiting for me isn't Derick. I can feel my other self's emotion as my future, er, would-have-been-future self walks to her...or my fiancee. I'm terribly sad. I'm thinking of Derick as I walk down the aisle, but where is he? What  happened? I don't understand why this happened to me.

I run up to the altar, inspecting the man's face. He actually reminds me of Derick a bit, but it's certainly not him. He's in dress blues. Was I going to marry a Marine? I look at my dad. He looks a few years older, but not too bad. I don't see my mom anywhere in the pews. My brother and sister are both in the wedding. They are standing side-by-side at the alter. My dress is huge, covered with pearls and flowing in the back. "I wish mom was here." I turn to Robby as his eyes well up with tears. "Why'd she have to go?" No. She isn't dead. She can't be dead. She's not, but obviously she dies! Maybe the fact that I died will change it. She'll be fine. I hope. The wind is picking up again. I can see my hair fly around my face, and the church fades away as I'm pulled to, well, wherever I need to be.

It's a funeral. Derick and I are the only ones there besides the pastor. All three of us sing Amazing Grace and the pastor walks away to give us some alone time with the casket. I walk over to the headstone as future me sits in one of the forty chairs. The rest are empty. Derick stands by future me with his hand on her shoulder. I read the stone. It's Dorothy. I look about twenty five, so she lived a decently long life. I hope at least Derick still visited her regularly before she passed. The icy cold constricts me and my feet are lifted off the ground again as I'm taken away.

I'm in a house. I can see myself typing on the computer. I look like I'm about in my thirties. I lean over my shoulder and look at what I'm typing.

Dad,

I can't believe it's been 6 years since mom died. I miss her a lot. Who knew she was depressed that whole time? I couldn't even tell. She seemed so happy. I just got my honorable discharge papers. I guess I'll be around a lot more. Hope to see you soon. Tell Robby and Amanda that I send my love. Derick, too. I miss that guy! Speaking of, Brayden is doing well. I honestly had some concerns about marrying him, but I think I made a...decent choice :)

Hope all is well. Write me soon,

Sandy xoxo

Future (or ex-future) me hits send. Apparently I was destined to marry some dude named Brayden. I see him now, sitting in the living room. There is a kid in my school named Brayden. I wonder if it's him. I'd have to see the seventeen year old Brayden again to tell. He's a nice kid, from what I understand. I mentioned Derick in my e-mail, but why am I not married to him? It doesn't add up. At all. Well, some mysteries are best left unsolved. Here comes the wind again.

It's going fast, but I can see little bits of myself doing different things that I never did when I was alive. Prom, signing a paycheck, riding a rollercoaster, and eating dinner with my husband. Now I'm slowing down, and there's my future self sitting with Derick. We're eating dinner. "I'm happily married now," future me says. Derick laughs. "That's not happiness. I know you, Sandy. Always have. There is nothing happy about you being with that man. Why'd you leave me?" I sigh. Both of me. Why did I leave him? "What did you do?" I ask my future self. "I didn't want you to be alone." Derick shook his head. "Look where we both ended up. More alone than ever. You didn't have to marry that guy. I never stopped loving you." Future Sandy just stares for a moment. "It's not right for me to say this, I'm married, but I never stopped loving you either." Derick nods and smiles, and so do I.

Current me walks over and gives him a hug until I feel myself being pulled all over again. I'm starting to get sick of this. Now I see a lady with white hair. She's sitting in a recliner in what seems to be a care center. The same one Dorothy was in, but the area with the higher level of care. "C'mon, Sandy," a nurse says. She helps up the lady with white hair. It's me. My wedding ring isn't on. I sit at a table with a rather old man. He doesn't say anything, but smiles when I sit down. "Today," old me says, "is a wonderful day, isn't it Derick?" He smiles, his face wrinkled from the years. His old hand takes mine. "It sure is, my dear." I walk over at the two old folks sitting in chairs. "Where's Brayden? Who are you?" I ask.

The wind whips me away, and this time I don't go to the future. I'm pulled back to the present where I should be. I'm starting to get tired. Not physically. I can't explain this exhaustion or the hunger I have begun to feel. I'm starving for something. I think it's life.