Taking Command Book 1 (Kylux) (#Wattys2016)

Chapter Thirty Seven: Painless

Hux PoV

Kylo was a jerk. But at the same time, I was still attracted to him, and that was what killed me. I wanted him, but I simultaneously wanted him far away from me so I would not have to look at him and remember the few happy times we had had together. Sleeping in the same bed, eating together, talking on the long ride home from Coruscant to the Base.

I missed him. I barely had known him. I could not believe I had grown so attached so soon. I rationalized it down to the idea that it was because of our shared passions. We both wanted to restore order. We both had people we wanted to measure up to. Darth Vader was very obviously Kylo's role model, while mine was...well, my father. Brendon Hux was an amazing person and an amazing military commander. He had instilled in me a desire to bring order to the galaxy. I wanted to please that legacy as much as Kylo wanted to please Vader's. I would never admit that to him, but it was true.

I could not even watch him walk by me. I wanted to be at his side and talk to him, I wanted that affection again. But I knew that as long as Kylo was under Snoke's thumb, I would never have him back. That thought broke my heart.

It seemed as if everyone could tell I was upset. The general mood in the people I was around was very somber. The troopers and the commanders on the bridge seemed to sense my lack of desire to talk or at all be in good spirits.

All in all, by the end of my day, I was ready to sleep and never talk to anyone again. I would be more than happy to never see Kylo again. Every time I saw Kylo, I felt my heart turn into ice, then shatter. That is how it felt. It was the most horrible feeling in the world.

I could not go on like this. My performance as a commander would suffer and that, by default, would harm the First Order. I had to put this behind me. I needed to fill that gaping hole in my heart. I needed to take command of my emotions and channel them towards the actual endgoal.

I needed to be able to work with Kylo without falling into depression or fits of anger. All in all, I wanted a lot out of myself, but it was all necessary. I wanted to go and talk to him and tell him what I thought, but that seemed puerile. I would wait for him to come to me. I know he will.

True to my assumption, Kylo came to my room that night. I heard a knock as I was changing and admitted the person in fairly thoughtlessly.

"General." Kylo's voice was soft and uncertain out from under the helmet. "I would like a word."

"I thought you were too busy for that," I retorted. "What do you want?" I asked him, injecting as much ice as I could into my voice.

"I want to know if you can actually work with me without having dramatic emotional breakdowns. I want to know if you are actually capable of functioning. You are so weak. You rely on people. Ha! They let you down everytime." He sneered at me, his handsome face twisted.

"You're right. And yet you said you never would." I looked at him in the eye. "Why are we dragging this out? We could make it painless, but instead, we drag it out and make it agonizing." I sighed. "I will work with you."

"Good. I hope that we will not hit anymore...complications. Good day, and remember that I know what you're thinking."

I watched as he ran off. He looked so smug and powerful. He had what he wanted, and  I was still alone and had just as much pain stored up in myself. I had wanted to end it quickly to minimize pain. I'd been a fool. This was anything but painless.