Taking Command Book 1 (Kylux) (#Wattys2016)

Chapter Thirty Eight: Lost

Kylo PoV

I had done it. I had made sure and guaranteed that Hux would not want to come back to me romantically. I had done my best to show that I did not return his affections or desire them. I hoped that he would understand this and never speak to me about it again.

It was cruel of me. It was possibly one of the worst things I had ever done to someone, short of my own family. I had actively worked to hurt someone I loved and who loved me. We were even on the same side.

I just did not want him hurt. Snoke had threatened to kill Hux if I did not end our union. He would know. I knew he would know if I defied him. I could not risk Hux's life on that, so I had to go to extremes to save him. He would never forgive me for trying to shelter him, but I would never forgive myself if he died because I had pressed for us to stay together. I had spent much of my return from Dathomir mulling about this and had come to the conclusion that this was the best way.

I hoped Hux would find someone. A nice officer or an attractive politician who shared his views. Anyone but me. I  was a walking hazard. Anything I did was monitored by my brutal Sith master. I could never remain with someone so long as I was the apprentice.

It was a price I was paying right now. Part of me relished it and drank in Hux's pain. That was the Dark Side, pulling me into its grasp. On the other side, there was a small part of me pleading with me to go back to love. That was the Light Side. This was the battle I faced, and I did not know what to do.

I felt angry. Angrier than I ever had before, and all the time. I needed an outlet for these new emotions of pain, and they ended up being channeled into wrath. Snoke would be proud.

At least someone would be proud. I was full of self incrimination and hatred. I hated what I had done to Hux. It had all happened so fast, falling in love and making crazy decisions and then ending it all when it came too close to the edge. It had been a whirlwind, a one night stand for our emotions, and then we were both forced to go back to being the commanders we were.

I wondered if we could have done both. I would never know now. It was too late. Hux would never want me back and I could not go back to Hux. I would have to learn how to cope. It would be hard, but I could. I had to be able to move on from a guy I had barely known for a month.

It had been two days since I had talked to Hux in the eating area. Since then, we had maintained an uneasy level of professional courtesy and had said no more than we needed to say. I did not know how much longer I could take it.

I watched him go about his tasks out of the corner of my eye. It was nice that inside my mask I could watch him and he did not know. I could watch him do his thing and admire his beauty, intelligence, and skill, all in silent privacy. I wondered if he ever did that kind of thing, if he missed me too.

We were so close, and yet so far. I promised myself that I would never let someone get that far inside of my heart and thoughts again. Because the one time I had let it happen, my heart had been shattered, and no one could pick up the pieces.

I had been so vulnerable and it had scared Snoke. He feared I could be swayed, even though Hux was on our side. Why was he so paranoid? Perhaps he was a jealous teacher, not wanting anything in my life to distract from him and his teaching.

I had to tell Hux how I truly felt someday. I could not keep it inside. There was always rage bubbling under the surface now and I feared that only confession would help. I did not want to be on the verge of a breakdown every minute. That is how I felt. Just angry and sad and violent. It was like a terrible cocktail of emotion.

Maybe this was the way of the Dark Side, but it felt like I was dying inside and nothing could stop it.