To those we've lost, and saved

CHAPTER 1

LEXA POV:

Tonight you return to TonDc as victors, a sea of those who had been held at the mountain behind you serving as living proof of your conquest. But that couldn't feel further from the truth. You glance up from your feet, greeting you are the smiling faces of hundreds of reunited friends and families, all grateful to you. Because today you'd done it, you'd brought your people home. None of your past commanders had been able to accomplish such a goal, nor had they been able to eliminate the mountain men and the threat they posed. But you had. Those two things were all you had wanted to achieve as commander after you'd united the twelve clans, all you'd strived for throughout your life. But standing amongst your people here and now, you feel none of the joy you had imagined this moment would bring. Your head is spinning, and your chest tightens more and more with each second that passes, you left her. Clarke. You left her, alone with no way back to her people. You watched as her eyes swelled with tears and you walked away, you left her.

You take a deep breath, holding it as long as you can before exhaling once more, in and out, in and out. It takes all your self-control not to sprint to your tent the second you're free from the wall of celebrating families, but you manage to slow yourself down, clenching your fists in some kind of an attempt to gain some control over your emotions. You can't let them see you break, they need you to be strong, and whole. Fortunately, they're all too busy celebrating to realise that you've slipped away, but you know it will not be long before you're needed for something new. You close your eyes, savoring what little time you know you have left to process what has just happened. Everything that you just lost, and those who you'd saved.

"How did I end up here?" You mumble to yourself, ripping the armour from your shoulder and throwing it to the ground before collapsing onto the furs that greet your tired body. You're slipping, you can feel it. The racing mind, the tight chest, the dull ache in your chest. This combination of pain and loss is a feeling you'd buried deep in your memory, something that hadn't surfaced since Costia. Your thoughts swirl around your mind, everything coming back to Clarke. The image of her face, her eyes revealing everything she was trying to hide. Pain, Disbelief, Loss, all in the split second that it took you to turn around and walk away. Away from what you had, what you could have become, away from the first person who had seen you as a person they could love rather than a commander they feared. Every muscle in your body begs you to go back, get Clarke's friends out of the mountain. You could regroup your armies and catch the mountain men off guard, carry out everything how it was supposed to be. But you can't do that. You know what the consequence would be. You could try your best but the backlash could leave you more broken than ever before, and that's simply not a risk your willing to take.

"Heda?" You hear Indra call from the entrance to your tent. Deciding you can't deal with anyone right now, hoping against hope that she ignores the fact that I would never be asleep at such a time. "Lexa?" she calls again, this time closer but much more softly. Realising that she's inside now you clench your eyes shut, staying as still as possible, praying that she will see you and leave, but you know Indra, that won't be how this ends.

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INDRA POV:

The day Lexa was born had been a turning point in your life. She was the first night blood born in TonDC and as such, she had become your responsibility. If a night blood from the Trikru became commander the power your clan would hold would double and you fully intended to cease such an opportunity. At least, that's how it began. As Lexa grew up you had become inseparable, she was a breath of fresh air for you, running around with a smile plastered to her face and a laugh to go along with it. After her parents were killed you had taken her in, and with the help of Gustus and Lincoln, you had raised her as your own. But gone were the days of constant laughter, she became distant, void of emotion, or at least that's what she wanted you all to think. You, however, heard the panic attacks, saw first hand the emotional outbursts that came from her new emotional state. But there was no talking to her, there was nothing left to try and help her with, you'd almost lost hope in winning her back when she arrived. Costia. Almost instantly you watched her slowly coming back. For years you watched her, your Lexa. Even after she had been called to lead her people Costia had remained by her side. But then the darkness crept in once again. You can still remember the fear in Lexa's voice the day Costia vanished, you had told her not to worry of course, that she would be back in no time, but you could feel that it was never going to end well. Your instincts were proven correct the night Costia's head had arrived in Polis, delivered directly to Lexa's bed in a cruel attempt to destroy the unity of the twelve clans. If the death of her parents had been a storm, then this was a hurricane. For the first time since she was born, she was truly broken, a shell of her former self. When she had finally spoken again she was not the same girl you had raised. She was cold, emotionless. Her decisions were made with her head and not her heart. She gained the respect of her adversaries, but your heart ached for the girl you had seemingly lost forever.

The first meeting held after Costia's death was one that would go down in history, you watched on as the twelve clans were united. Nia's plan to spark a war had been dampened as Lexa was reborn new, a phoenix risen from the ashes of all that she had lost. By making decisions with her heart Lexa eradicated any chance of her heart being broken. Lexa became closed off not only to emotions but to the people around her fearing that loving them would do nothing but put them in danger. You had done your best but nothing and nobody could get through to her, not anymore.

It wasn't until Clarke that things started to change, she slowly started to come back to you. You had never thought in a million years that she would love again, not after losing Costia. But they way she looked at Clarke? The way her eyes lit up as she watched the sky girl while she thought no one was watching? The same way she looked at Costia. You knew it was starting all over again.

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You watch as Lexa makes her way into her tent, waiting outside quietly, knowing that she won't have taken breaking her alliance with Clarke lightly. You hear her armour hit the ground and then as she crashes onto her bed with a huff. Then nothing, but you know she won't be asleep, not after what she had done. 

"Heda" you call, waiting for a response you know will never come. You had learnt this routine well while she was a child, she may have been a verbal kid but she bottled up her emotions, and you knew there would be a lot she would be pushing away tonight. 

"Lexa" you whisper, more as a warning of your approach than a permission for entry. You move quietly over to her bed where she lays rigidly, eyes clenched shut far too tightly and breathes too shallow for her to be sleeping. You remove the sword and dagger that still hang from her belt and place them on her thrown before taking a seat at the foot of her bed.

"Whenever you're ready".