To those we've lost, and saved

CHAPTER 3

LEXA POV:

" Whenever you're ready ".

The woman speaks as she has so many times before. It's been so long since you've heard those words from her lips that you wonder if you're just imagining it, maybe you really had fallen asleep and you're dreaming?

" What have I told you about entering my tent while I'm sleeping " You mumble, avoiding her question. You know what she wants, she wants you to open up like you did when you were young and you would run to her with each and every one of your problems. She wants you to talk through your feelings because she thinks it will help, but it never does. Talking only drags up emotions, it allows your mind to wander with 'what if's', giving you nothing but false hope. You know this, you swear by it, and yet you feel your lips curling to speak. You know how much this is going to hurt, but you're weak, Clarke has made you weak.

" I think it's happening again ".

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A week has passed since you left Clarke at Mount Weather. Your days had been filled with celebrations, happy faces, and grateful soldiers, but your nights, they had been filled with nothing more than pain and despair. Sleep had evaded you, and in its place, a stabbing pain in your chest had taken up residence. You know you're expected to return to Polis soon but you can't leave, not yet. 

You've been talking to Indra because she insists it will help but each time you just end up in tears. But you're going to fix this or die trying. You've been running through every single plan and idea about your next move and finally decided what you have to do. You need to leave, you need to see her, even if just for a second to make sure she's safe, only then can you return back to Polis. You've told Indra you're not sure when you'll return, but haven't had the heart to explain that you're not sure if  you'll come back at all. If you do find out that something happened to Clarke because you left her, you don't know what you'd do. You would never be able to live with yourself if yet another person died because of you. But you need to do this, you need to know.

The not knowing is worse, the grieving for who you've lost before you even know they're gone. The tortured days and sleepless nights. The haunting dreams and tainted memories.                  The not knowing, that's the worst part of it all. You learned this after Costia was kidnapped. Before her head had arrived in Polis, before the queen and her armies had arrived the next day claiming responsibility.                                                                                                                                               One month of being tortured by the unknown, one month of endless scenarios running through your head of your lovers cruel and painful demise, replaying over and over until you cried yourself to sleep only to be greeted by dreams of the same cruel nature.                                           One month. You had nearly completely fallen apart, and you would have if it had not of been for Indra, without her constant reminders that Costia could walk through the polis gates any day and run into your arms like she had so many times before. 

Except she never did. 

The not knowing, that was the worst part.