To those we've lost, and saved

Light to fight the darkness

Clarke Pov:

" Are you sure about this Clarke?" Lexa asks, searching your eyes with so much worry that it makes you want to wrap your arms around her until she understands. YES I'M SURE, That's what you want to scream right now. You want to run to the top of the highest mountain and shout it at the top of your lungs. This is where you need to be, you don't know how to explain it but you think this place could become a home, the first real home since you were arrested on the ark. A place where you feel truly safe. Where kids can run around with smiles on their faces and wake up their commander because they missed her. You can't go back to Arkadia. To your mother, to Bellamy you just can't. They aren't the people you walked away from months ago, not even close to it. That camp once was a place you were willing to fight and die for but now when you return it feels as though it is trying to suffocate you, drag you back into the darkness that still haunts your mind. A constant reminder of what you have done. Like a demon that will never let go, except, here, in Polis you don't feel that constant pull of darkness. You can't tell if it's the energy of the place or Lexa. Maybe Lexa was the only reason this place felt like home, Maybe she's the fighting force of light that's killing the darkness in your mind, the one sent to protect you.

"I can't go back" You whisper, not feeling capable of putting the words together to elaborate. Her eyes drop and she looks away from you, staring at a wall. You wait in silence, you know she will want you to go back because it's safer there but how could she think a place like that safe? After what they did to her? How could you be safe in a place like that? In the absence of her response you can hear the distant sounds of people on the ground below, Is this building in the middle of Polis? If it's not it can't be far off.

"They could keep you safe there Clarke" She says, breaking the silence. Her voice sounding weak and unsure. She thinks that after what they did to her to find you that they would do anything to keep you safe, and maybe she's right. You take her hand in your and entwine your fingers, trying to get her to look back to you, it's no use.

"I trust you to keep me safe Lexa" You say softly. Not sure entirely what your trying to tell her. Exactly that? Or something more? Something deeper? Watching her you can tell that you've caught her attention, struck something within her. Still she refuses to look at you, gritting her teeth like she's trying to hold something back.

" Lexa what's wrong?" You ask quickly. She doesn't respond but her breathing becomes steadily more rapid and uneven, like she's having a panic attack so you jump to your knees and move to sit in front of her, taking her face in your hands and gently turning her head so that she's looking at you, but she refuses to look into your eyes. " What's wrong?". You sit there, holding her face in your hands silently for at least ten minutes before she calms down and her breathing is normal again. Finally she looks into your eyes, and you breathe  a sigh of relief. Brushing away of staying hair from her face you quietly ask "What aren't you telling me?".

"She trusted me too" Lexa whispers, sounding as though she can't speak any louder. Her voice breaks your heart, ever since you got her back she's been so fragile, a shadow of the girl you once knew. The girl who saved you from your own destruction after Finn died, the girl who saved your life by killing one of her own generals. The ruthless commander of the grounders was reduced to a young girl because of what your people did to her, because you made her weak.

"Who Lexa? Who trusted you?" You ask, trying to put all the pieces together.

"She trusted me with her life, and i let her think that was okay and i failed her" She says quietly, so quietly you can barely make out what she's saying. Her voice is shaking now and you don't think you've ever seen a broken person so calm on the outside when they are no doubtedly falling to pieces on the inside. Slowly things begin to click into place in your mind and you start to understand.

"I'm not Costia Lexa".