To those we've lost, and saved

But i did

LEXA POV:

Your both blushing and smiling and this moment is just perfect, it takes you back to your childhood, smiling around the fire with Lincoln and the other nightbloods, running through the endless meadows with Costia, playing hide and seek with Gustus. So much of your innocence has been lost since then and at times it feels like you may never get it back, but it's moments like this, moments with Clarke and moments with your nightbloods back in Polis, it's moments like these that remind you that you are still a seventeen year old girl, capable of something good in this world.

" But i did " Clarke says, her voice shaky, the smile long gone from her face,

"What are you talking about? ".

" Mount Weather, I killed them, I killed them all " She whispers her voice cracking as she stumbles towards the bed.

" Clarke? " You ask moving to create space for Clarke on the bed.

She should hate you.

Why does she still seek comfort in you?

" I had to save them, I, i had to. I'm a monster " The blonde croaks collapsing next to you, onto you. She buries her head in your shoulder and you feel her tears soaking through the material of the jumper. Your arm somehow finds it way back around Clarke's shoulder and you pull her closer to you and hold her, until you can hear that she has stopped crying enough to speak.

Suddenly your heart is racing, Was that too far? Too much? Too soon?

" Clarke? " You ask pulling away so she's at arms length and you can see her face " Breathe ".

She nods her head and takes a deep breath, then another until she is breathing normally again. " What happened at Mount Weather? ".

" I, I pulled the lever, i killed them ".

" What are you talking abo- "

lever?

killed them all?

Radiation.

" You irradiated Mount Weather? ".

CLARKE POV:

" You irradiated Mount Weather? " The brunette asks.

She asks,

For the first time someone is asking you,

Not accusing you,

Not stating a fact.

Lexa is asking you.

Finally you have a second to think, she's giving you a second to step out of the present and think, this you realises is why you came to find her in the first place. She gets it, she knows what it is to be a leader, she knows what its like to have to carry around the burdens of her people. She isn't going to blame you, she will only try to understand because that's what she needed, thats what she needs. You're one in the same.

" Yes " you whisper, sinking back down, hiding your face in the material of her jumper. You can feel the bones of her shoulder stick out much too far to be natural and it confirms your earlier fear, they were starving her too.

" Clarke " she says softly the sympathy pouring out of her words. " Clarke, i am so sorry, i should have been there, i should have been the one to pull the lever, i should've-".

" Lexa " You stop her, raising your head from her shoulder. You know it's all the truth, you know she would have pulled that lever in a heart beat if it meant you wouldn't have had to, but you stop her. She refuses look at you, you know the feeling, she thinks it's her fault, you thought it was too, but not anymore.

" Look at me " you say softly, almost begging.

" Clarke, if i hadn't of- " she whispers her voice cracking and you swear you can see a tear roll down her cheek.

" I know ". You do know, you know exactly what she's thinking, and you know exactly how she feels. You've been in both positions before, you know. " But you can't blame yourself, i don't blame you. I know you would have pulled the lever. We would have done it together".

" Ogeda " The brunette repeats lifting her head to look at you once more.

" But sometimes we don't get the choice, sometimes the universe makes that choice for us ".