To those we've lost, and saved

I'M NOT COSTIA LEXA

LEXA POV:

"i'm not Costia Lexa".

You stop gritting your teeth and your eyes cease the endless search of hers, looking for answers that she can't possibly know yet she always seems to have anyway. I KNOW THAT. That's what you want to scream. You know she's not Costia, she's so much stronger and you know your being a fool for comparing the two. But you've failed one of them and there was no way you were going to let that happen again. If that meant sending her home and having her hate you again then so be it, at least she would be alive. You take a deep breath, closing you eyes in an attempt to try and think more clearly. 1, 2, 3. 3, 2, 1 You count in your head, something Clarke had taught you before Mount weather. You can't send her back there, she would run herself into the ground, you saw how she was even before Mount Weather. They put far too much pressure and responsibility on the shoulders of a girl who had never been trained to handle it, but somehow she had come out of it stronger. She didn't need your guidance but you saw how it helped her. Sending he back there would be a death sentence for her mind. But how could you keep her safe here? How could you guarantee her safety without putting a target on her back at the same time? The warmth of her hand over yours brings you back to reality and helps to begin putting your mind at ease better than any counting exercise ever could.

"They would need to trust you" You say quietly, looking down at your hands to avoid her gaze.

"Who would need to trust me?" She ask quickly, the confusion clear in her voice.

"For you to become my advisor, the clan ambassadors would first need to trust you" You clarify. Feeling that you are finally back to being level headed you raise your head, not yet reconnecting eye contact with Clarke. "Not that it is their choice but if they don't trust you then the protection being my advisor offers would mean nothing".

"So how do we make them trust me?" The girl asks after a moment.

"It will not be hard, once they see that you are a confident and loyal warrior they will not question my decision, it is Titus i worry about. To gain the ambassadors respect you will need to attend a ceremony with all the ambassadors, Titus, the night bloods and me, then you will need to bow to me as a sign of respect to the spirit of the commander and the coalition, it will also to them mean that we will share the power of Wanheda" you explain the process leaving out one detail until after she's processed everything. You watch her carefully, trying to gauge what she's thinking and how she's reacting to what she has to do. You can't hide the worry from your face while she sits thinking in silence. You tighten your grasp on her hand "Clarke you know i would understand if you decide not to go through with it". Slowly her head raises and she looks at you with confusion showing clearly on her face.

"Stop thinking like that, I'm doing this. If this is what i have to do for us to be tog-" The girl stops herself mid sentence as though she hadn't meant to say that. You can't stop your eyes widening as your breath catches in your throat.

Is that really why she wants to do all this?

A minute passes, a minute of silence when neither of you know what to say or how to react before she speaks again.

" Ahem so uh is that all that i would need to do?" she asks, her voice weak and unsteady. Her previous words leaving both of you at a loss for what to say next. It takes you a few moments longer than usual to process her words and respond.

"There is.. one more thing" you say sheepishly, not at all sure she will like this next part.

"What is it?" She asks, skepticism and curiosity lacing her words.