To those we've lost, and saved

CHAPTER 2

Clarke POV:

They follow you everywhere. Even when you can't see them you know they're there, watching your every move from the shadows. Sometimes they speak but mostly they just watch. Some with sad eyes and some with murderous stares. Some don't look at you at all, because they can't, because you killed them. Instead, they lay draped over the forest floor. Hundreds of innocent souls following you because you pulled the lever, slowly killing them all. It's nights like this one that make you question if Bellamy was right when he said that who we are and who we need to be are two different things. Maybe after being on the ground all this time, those two parts of yourself had become one.

Maybe Lexa was right when she said you were weak. That love was weakness.

Lexa. The name alone makes you want to both be sick and burst into tears. You know you can't blame her for taking the easy way out, not really. After all you did the same thing didn't you? You chose to pull that lever, killing everyone in Mount Weather. Killing everyone, the children, the families, even those who helped us. You chose to pull that lever instead of taking the level back by force. You chose to take the easy way out, same as her. You can't be angry, you know that, but you still feel a ferocious rage inside of your chest each time you think of her face because she left you. She left you. Some days you feel like you could be happy never seeing her face again. except you do. Every night you dream of her, and every morning you wake wondering how it's possible to loathe and love someone at the same time. 

Maybe you're just crazy, or broken. Probably both.