You and Me, Always.

Memories

*Note - This chapter is completely from Janette's point of view therefore it is in first person, just to clear up any confusion it way have caused. Flashbacks are written like this. Enjoy!*

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Ugh, my head is pounding. Where am I? I can't seem to open my eyes. My head feels like it is being attacked by thousands of tiny electrical currents, zapping away. Where is Aljaz? I can't feel my hands. My legs, my body... It's all numb. What is going on? I've never felt this helpless before. What is happening to me? I'm asleep. But I wasn't tired? And I can't wake up again... How does that work? Wait, there's an image coming to me... Are my eyelids opening? I don't understand. I can't open my mouth to scream. I can't lash out and until someone comes to help. I'm trapped.

I can hear laughter, who's is it? Wait... Is it me? It is me... But I'm here, so who is that? Wait, is this a memory of mine? There's sand. Warm sand beneath my feet. There's a gentle breeze, and it's blowing my hair everywhere. It's odd, this. I'm here, watching myself live this memory, not remembering any of it. I look around, and the beach is deserted except for myself, and, of course, Aljaz. So this is where the pictures are from. This must be Miami. Memory Aljaz comes over to memory Janette, picks her up and swings her round, memory Janette, I mean, me, giggles uncontrollably. Talk about out-of-body experience much! I stay where I am, watching. They run off, to a tiny little ice-cream cart that has just rolled onto the beach. Hey, wait, I remember this... I actually remember it - Aljaz bought me ice-cream, I dropped it, he offered me his one, I took one lick and it rolled off the cone, so the ice-cream cart man gave us two free ones, in tubs this time. I watch this whole event play out, exactly how I remember it. Then, it begins to fade, and I'm left with the sound of our laughter mingled together. It lingers in my ear until I'm cast into darkness again.

It's dark again, but this time, I can feel some sort of light on my eyelids, like the sun is shining through them. My head feels slightly numb too now. The phrase, 'my head is being bombarded with thoughts; it feels like it's going to explode' is the exact representation of how I feel currently.

I'm in darkness for a few more minutes, until I feel another memory coming towards me. It gets more and more vivid, until it's here. I'm in it, watching.

Memory Aljaz and memory Janette, sorry, me are sprinting through the streets of Camden... Yes, Camden - I know this place! We live here! In an apartment, with an amazing view!
It's absolutely battering it down with rain, my hair is dripping; sticking to my face, and my clothes are drenched. Aljaz's too. Where are we going? I watch from my position, not wet, surprisingly. We're laughing, there's nobody else around. Suddenly, Aljaz stops and grabs my hand... I know what's happening! We're going to dance! Yes, we're dancing in the rain. I can see it happening right before my eyes. I hear Aljaz say something, it's slightly too muffled to understand, so I concentrate hard and it makes sense - he says "Janette Manrara, you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, will you dance with me?" I see myself laugh, nod my head and shout back at him, "Of course, who wouldn't want to dance with the most handsome man in the world?" We start doing some sort of slow ballroom dance, but with awful arm positioning and hold. Darcey would faint. Wait, hold up, arm positioning, hold, DARCEY? I know what these are! I'm remembering things, people, actions. It's all coming back to me.

I watch myself and Aljaz dance and giggle, getting increasingly more drenched as we stay out longer. The sky is a miserable grey tone, but we seem to be glowing. Aljaz pulls me in close to him, and we kiss in the pouring rain. The same as before, the memory starts to fade away.

I come away from it feeling as though my sections of my brain are being coloured in. Yes, coloured in, as though someone is filling in spaces between the lines with my past. I lay in wait for the next one, wondering what it will be. I was right to give Aljaz a chance. If all these are my memories, I have an absolutely amazing past.

Several other memories come and go, Aljaz and I going out for dessert after Strictly one time... Strictly! I remember that too - the show we both danced on, and Aljaz won! There's another of us sitting alone in a restaurant feeding each other spaghetti off our plates, and another, playing in the snow in Slovenia. All of these with a running theme - we were laughing almost non-stop.

Then, there's another memory coming to me.

This one seems more sullen, more sad. I don't hear laughter straight away, which is unusual. I see myself with about four suitcases, tears streaming down my face. Memory me is standing by the door of our apartment. I take a look around, remembering all of this. I spot the table where my 'Zen Area' was, but, this isn't right... The candles are gone, the little plants have disappeared... wait.

This is the memory of when I stormed off, out of Aljaz's life, seemingly forever. I had told him I was 'finding myself.' I don't think I ever told him what truly happened, yet her took me back into his life with open arms. I shall have to explain to him when I get out of this state.

I see myself slam the door, rushing down the corridors and furiously pressing the lift button, shaking as I waited. I look to my right, and I can see Aljaz. I don't know what he did that moment I left, so this is new. I see him sat the the bottom of the door, clutching a key and a locket, head hanging, tear stains on his knees. Seeing him like this makes me hate myself for what I did to him. I caused him so much pain, yet he stuck with me. He came rushing to the hospital after the accident, he stayed by my side for so many weeks. And for what? I had lied to him. I hadn't been 'finding myself' at all. I had taken the first taxi to the airport, jumped on a plane to Los Angeles and left. The part I hadn't told Aljaz was that I had been offered a job over in the States, a professional dancer on a prestigious TV show. I'd accepted it and abandoned happiness back in the UK.

While I was in LA, I had felt so awful. Every other dancer had someone to support them, someone to dance with, someone who would listen. But for someone who knew nobody, LA seemed miserable. I knew the moment I stepped on the plane at Heathrow that I was making the wrong decision. The worst decision of my life. Say Aljaz hadn't taken me back? Say he wasn't as trustworthy as he is. Then what? My whole life ruined, by my own stupid choices. This memory is never going to leave my mind. It takes longer to fade; instead it keeps the image of Aljaz, distraught behind the door, almost to show me what pain I caused him.

More memories were being bombarded at me, some that I instantly remembered, some which took slightly longer. After what seemed like an age, they ended, the light switched off and it was completely dark.

I could feel myself getting lighter and lighter, like I was coming out of this trance-like state that I had been in. But I still couldn't open my eyes. I could hear Aljaz in the distance, saying something like "Is it done?" I thought to myself, "Yes my love, it is done."