Pushed Around (Nathan Sykes)

Chapter 9

I sat in my flat going through a list of songs that I wanted to cover, working on my new music, making arrangements, doing anything that I could to pass the time. It didn't really work most of the time, I couldn't focus. I don't know why, I couldn't feel anything. I felt nothing looking at music for the first time in my life. My thoughts wouldn't stop. Telling me things that I know I shouldn't be thinking, I've never felt like this before. 

I've never told myself that I wasn't good enough. Not when it came to my music. For other things, when people would bully me, sure I told myself stupid things that I shouldn't have. My music was always what I turned to, what I found to be my safe haven. Something was wrong. 

Was it Nathan? Was it me getting close to Nathan? It couldn't be. Nathan was helping me, so far everyone has been helping me. Was I just changing? Or were people changing me? 

I've said from the day I got the email to come here, I was done being pushed around. Am I really? Was the label controlling me? They couldn't be. I haven't done enough work yet. They haven't really stepped into my work yet. Or have they? Did they put Nathan up to helping me? Were they controlling me through the band? 

I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head. It was driving me nuts. The label wouldn't have signed me if they didn't think I was good enough to be there... But to them, I'm good, but am I good enough? I haven't been their toy long enough for them to know, then again who says that I haven't been?

"Stop it Layla. You're being crazy, Nathan wouldn't do that to you. Unless he was their puppet too, and didn't even realize he was doing it." I sighed looking over at my piano. Nathan played it everyday when he came over. I hardly touch it, I'm not the greatest player. "No, he's not like that." I snapped at myself. I stood up walking over to the piano. Maybe, I just need to let something flow out of me, to get all of this out of my system. 

I ran my fingers lightly over the keys, pressing down on a couple. I sat on the bench hearing my phone start to ring. I knew who it was. It was Nathan, but he could wait for a little bit. This was most important.

I am the diamond you left in the dust
I am the future you lost in the past
Seems like I never compared
Wouldn't notice if I disappeared

You stole the love that I saved for myself
And I watched you give it to somebody else
But these scars no longer I hide
I found the light you shut inside
Couldn't love me if you tried

Am I still not good enough?
Am I still not worth that much?
I'm sorry for the way my life turned out
Sorry for the smile I'm wearing now
Guess I'm still not good enough

Does it burn
Knowing I used all the pain?
Does it hurt
Knowing you're fuel to my flame?
Don't look back
Don't need your regrets
Thank God you left my love behind
Couldn't change me if you tried

Am I still not good enough?
Am I still not worth that much?
I'm sorry for the way my life turned out
Sorry for the smile I'm wearing now
Guess I'm still not good enough

Release your curse
'Cause I know my worth
Those wounds you made are gone
You ain't seen nothing yet
Your love wore thin
And I never win
You want the best
So sorry that's clearly not me
This is all I can be

Am I still not good enough?
Am I still not worth that much?
I'm sorry for the way my life turned out
Sorry for the smile I'm wearing now
Guess I'm still not good enough

My phone rang for the maybe fifth time when I finished. I could feel the tears running down my cheeks. What have I been thinking? Why did these thoughts have to start now? I've only been here for maybe a month, and they've already started. I shouldn't be doing this to myself. How am I supposed to stop it? Why did they even start? What am I going to do?

Answer that phone that's what you're going to do. I told myself moving away from my piano to the couch where my phone sat. I was only a second late when the call stopped. I looked at the screen frowning, Nathan had called me five times and left me four voicemails. I quickly started listening to them.

"Hey love, just got back to my hotel room after dinner. You'll never believe what they told me. It's insane, completely mad. I'll tell you about it when I get back okay? I'm flying back tonight."

"Me again, I hope you're alright. I'm sure that you're just sleeping or doing something so you couldn't answer."

"Okay, I'm sorry, this must be getting annoying, but three times you didn't answer and it's worrying me. If you're sleeping I get it, but I figured that I would have woken you. If I did, I'm sorry. I'll just talk to you when I get back.

"Last one I promise, I'm still a little worried about you not answering, but I'm glad you didn't this time. I don't even know why I doing this in a voicemail, I shouldn't be. But it's really important that we talk as soon as I get back. Layla, I think I'm-" 

The last voicemail was cut off by someone talking to Nathan, I'm sure he's okay because he called me again just a couple of minutes ago. I wonder what he was going to say. Should I call him back? Or just wait until he's back in a few hours? Should I text him?

Why am I freaking out over this? All I can think about is what Nathan was going to say. Is Nathan my problem? I don't know how he would be... Was Nathan going to say he's in love with me? Am I in love with him? No way. Nathan's like my best friend...

I think I'm in love with Nathan Sykes...