Her Princess Charming

The Chase

A few weeks passed and I still havent heard of her. I was losing more and more hope every passing second of every day. I couldnt understand why she didnt open my messages or return my calls and good lord, she even blocked me on facebook and I couldnt find her anywhere and everywhere. I guess she just doesnt really want me to find her.

She shouldve broken up with me instead. I found myself wishing that a lot for the past days. This was some kind of torture, one I couldnt really take anymore. Did I even do something wrong to let her do this to me? She said she loves me but it feels more like she doesnt anymore.  But even though it was already beating down my determination, I couldnt let it.

What if I just give up and she was actually waiting for me and there was a deeper reason behind everything? But what if I actually fight for her and she has already forgotten about me?

Some say this is harder than breaking up. Breaking up means cutting all ties and crap but cooling off requires so much more strength. It's like hanging by a thread. You dont know how much more weight it could take before it gives up on you. It's like waiting and waiting for the unknown. Like the Japanese dog who waited on the train station everyday for his owner who never came back. That's how this feels.

I really dont know what I feel towards her right now. I miss her and I wanted to see her so badly but on the other hand, I hate her and I dont want to ever see her again. She hurt me so much that I dont want to fight anymore but on top of it all, I couldnt really stay angry at her because she's my baby and I love her and she told me she loves me too.  Im really hoping that we both feel the longing I was feeling and I wasnt the only one missing the other.

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On a rainy saturday I was walking downtown to relieve my stress. This was becoming my weekend routine. I thought that somehow, walking on my own around town would help me keep my mind off things and I was hoping, with fingers crossed, that fate would bump me to her.

I have already read Allen's letter to me. The other day that I decided to rearrange my room, I found it under my bed. So I started reading as the morning sun streamed in. He said that he was already letting me go and he wished me the best. He said that whatever choices I had to make, I had to think of the people I cared for. He also told me that I should stay strong and rock the world like I had always dreamed of when we were young. There were so many other things he told me and all that gave me courage and made me realize things.

So many things could change in a matter of time. We were one of those things.

I finally told myself to let go. All of the negativities and crap I was holding on to. Im going to conquer the world, doesnt matter which one or whom really. I was thinking of opening up my windows of opportunities for a better chance of love. If she doesnt come back, Im not wasting my love on her, someone who deserved my love better would have it instead.

My trail of thoughts suddenly collided to each other when I saw a familiar streak of long straight black hair. I suddenly took back all I said to myself. No one really deserves this love better than her. And I couldnt be wrong.

'Juliana!' I yelled. Obviously she wouldnt hear me because there was a huge headphone blocking me off together with the sound of rain. Those headphones were my gift to her. God it was breaking my heart how easy it was for her to use it while she threw me out of her world.

I was halfway to her when I stopped. I had no idea what to say, what to do and how to look at her in the eyes and ask why. Why she gave me so much pain. Why she blocked me. And all other questions I was too afraid to ask. I dont know how she would react too. Maybe it was better to walk away instead.

Just when I was about to take a step back, she removed the headphones and turned to face me. Her expression was priceless, like she was scared to see me. But why? Why is she the one to look like I had thrown a tarantula at her face? Shouldnt that be me? But then again, why am I still running after someone who has already gone a million kilometers away from me?

'Lyss..' She muttered, almost like a whisper.

'Uhh-- Bye.' It took me all the courage I had to speak to her, the first time I actually saw her and heard her sweet voice after so many days. It was painful. Now I was the one running. If she doesnt chase after me, then I guess she doesnt really want to get back with me anymore and all the signs I was deciphering was true after all.

My shoes and socks were already soaking wet but I kept walking with my black hoodie, black jeans and black umbrella and with tears in my eyes like I had ran away from a funeral.

This was way painful than death. She didnt chase after me. When I looked back, she was already walking the other way with her own red umbrella.

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