Her Princess Charming

Against it All

At dawn, I got up and started to do what I had planned the whole night. I wanted to fix the things in the house and change the view or move the furnitures. I also wanted to clean it up and remove all the dirt and negativity. I almost wanted to remove myself too.

Just the night before, I didnt get any sleep because I kept thinking about everything that's going wrong. It was terrifying too, to cry in the dark and have nothing and no one. If only there was any way to turn the tables around. My phone was so dead, and I knew I was too. I wondered who actually cared. My family? Juliana? Louie? Has anyone texted me yet? Or called? Whatever. It just depressed me more to think that no one did.

I wondered what happened to Juliana when I left, how she's doing and what she's thinking of. If she even thinks of me or if she misses me as much as I missed her.

'Well.. What first?' I glanced around. Everything in my room was in place so I went out to the living room.

All furnitures were still covered in white cloth each. I pulled them off one by one. With every pull was a memory of my happy childhood. When my family was whole, or atleast when my brothers and I were convinced that our family was perfect and our father wasnt a dick.

I began pulling out photo albums from the old cabinet. The pictures captured every detail of my past. I felt the longing for a family, for happiness, for stability and love.

It was past eight in the morning when I finished removing cobwebs and all sorts of crap. I felt proud of myself for accomplishing what I had planned the night before but the thing is, I still felt empty. After all the brushing, sweeping and dusting Im still broken.

You fixed the things in your old house. Not your life. I told myself.

I heard those awkward sounds that my tummy makes when Im hungry. I had to find a cafe or some convenient store somewhere. I hadnt eaten properly for the past days.

I grabbed a hoodie and placed it on. I proceeded to the door and welcomed the warmth of the sun. It was shining so bright but its still dark in my head. I was about to take a step but what I saw on the porch was surprising. It was a picnic basket. I suddenly looked around to see if it was, with fingers crossed, Juliana who placed it there but it was different from the picnic basket we used before. I still kept my hopes up somehow. I missed her so bad.

I noticed a note placed under the basket, its corners showing so I knew it was there. I slowly picked it up and opened it to see the handwriting I used to admire.

'Good morning! Eat all of those. Okay? Dont worry about anything. - Allen' Wtf.

I looked up to see if he's still there but I couldnt see him anywhere. Besides, it was tuesday. There was school.

I got the basket carefully and went back inside glancing around to make sure no one was watching me, especially not him.

I placed the picnic basket down on the dining table as soon as I got inside. I didnt know how to start. I just stared at it doubtfully as I paced back and forth. I wondered what food was inside. If it was even food.

My curiosity kicked in. The more I stared at it the hungrier I became. I would have fought the urge to open it if my tummy hadnt growled like a dying whale.

'Daaamn.' I sighed and opened the basket.

Breakfast foods: eggs, bacon, hotdog, french toast. Also different chips, cookies, bread, chocolates and pizza. Where the hell did the pizza come from? Was it from last night's party? And ofcourse three bottles of mineral water.. He remembered everything I loved to eat. It was too much though.

I closed the basket and sat on a chair staring at it. Should I give it back? But Im really starving.  I have money though but what's the point of going out if I already have food?

Trapped in limbo again. I hate it.

After a few minutes of rethinking everything, I just ate as much as I can while I walked around the house, deleting all thoughts in my head first. Besides, I had to eat. I needed to stop letting my pride take over me. Its just food.

After I ate, I felt the need to take a bath. Luckily, there was still water in the house. I didnt care if it was cold and there was no way to warm it up.  I got soap and shampoo from my stuff and took a shower.

As soon as the cold water hit me, I thought if my heart was cold as this. Flashbacks of the happy times just kept rushing in. I just let the cold water wash my tears away. It was the closest I had to a friend right now.

I ran my fingers through my cuts. They were bleeding again and it hurt so bad. I just kept crying and crying until I got tired and I finished up.

-

I took as swing and enjoyed the breeze on my face. I felt free but vulnerable. I felt carefree but alone. I felt.. tragic.

I looked around, it was sunny but cold. Children were running outside the street, probably pre-schoolers who just got out of school because it was already afternoon. They were happy and noisy, it reminded me of the young me and Allen. I suddenly felt worse for myself.

Everyone had someone beside them but I had no one. Just an empty house.

I walked back inside the house and closed the door behind me slowly. I had no one. I had nothing. No purpose, no reason. I didnt want to face tomorrow.

Suddenly, an idea popped into my head. I walked to the kitchen and opened the cabinets under the sink.

'I know it's here somewhere.' I whispered to myself. I just kept throwing aside everything I saw and everything that got in the way.

Finally I found it. I knew that my mom hid this here. They used it to tie up stuff. I ran my finger across the ridges of it. I then walked across the kitchen to the living room and searched for a place to tie it to.

When I found the perfect spot, I thought about it again. Whether Im sure of it or not. If I was really doing or not. I didnt want to hurt anyone but then again, I had no one. It didnt matter, I just wanted it all to end.

I just tied it around my neck and closed my eyes.. If this was how it would end, I'd gladly take it.

Forgive me.