Destiel One Shots

In Which Sam Doesn't Come Back Early

"...Because if I see what heaven's become...What I made of it..." Cas looks down to the side with his heavy shoulders and tired features. "I'm afraid I might kill myself." When he says that, his blue eyes piece into Dean's soul, gazing with shimmering surfaces.

And Dean's heart shatters into a million shards.

His hands clench the bed sheets tightly, like he's clinging onto the edge of a cliff. Nails dig deep onto the old material to give himself a better grasp, one more hope that what he was hearing wasn't true. With a tight chest, a pulsing heart carrying a dull electric feeling through his veins, Dean feels helpless for the first time.

Their eyes had been locked since Cas had said those words, so now it was Dean searching them for any sign Cas wasn't being as serious as he thought. Only truth shines back.

"Don't..." Dean chokes, leaning forward across the gap between the beds where they sit. He places a hand on Cas', "please don't say that."

Cas doesn't reply. Instead he looks blanker than a piece of paper. It's almost like he's given up, like he's accepted it to be this way and everything else is white noise and distraction from self destruction.

Fingers laced tightly on Dean's part, they continue to stare with concern. Dean's soul is burning, a fire dancing and blazing, alight with passion from the warmth Cas always gave him. But it's slowly growing colder with each second Cas doesn't say anything.

"Ever again. You hear me?" he harshly whispers this time.

To make it more intimate and comfortable, Dean sits up next to Cas, close and definitely invading personal space. Like that was a big thing in this situation.

Dean's staring at the side of Cas' face. He leans in and rests his forehead against it, stroking his thumb over the back of Cas' hand where they're still interlocked.

"Because you are worth so much to me."

At that, he hears Cas intake air deeply. Cas turns to him and suddenly they're close.

"And you're awesome, so smile, baby," the pad of Dean's thumb rubs soft circles on Cas' stubbled cheekbone from where he's reached up with his spare hand.

Unexpectedly, Cas sniffles and his body lurches slightly forward as tears begin flowing one by one down his cheeks.

"Let those tears flow, it's okay, I'm here for you. Don't forget it. Even if I'm not next to you, I'll always be here." Dean lifts up their joined hands and places it on the thudding chest, on the surface above a pounding heart.

Cas nods.

"Don't...don't kill yourself. Things will get better. Trust me. Do you trust me, Cas?"

"Y-Yes."

Dean smiles a bittersweet one. "And I trust you. Always got me and my brothers back. Loyal, kind, more loving and selfless than anyone I've ever seen. Remember that, Cas. In dark times. I care about you."

Then they're both crying, even though Dean's are more silent and he doesn't let many fall. But Cas cuddles up to Dean more, pulling himself into Dean's arms.

"Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell another soul?" Dean murmurs into Cas' ear, holding around him tightly.

Castiel says a small 'yes' with a hint of a smirk in his tone at the recollection of that quote.

"...I wanted to kill myself once." Cas shuffles underneath Dean's hold slightly, gripping his shirt. "Had the gun ready and loaded and everything. All set out. Clothes chosen. Note on the side table. But then I stopped...and I remembered that I had to pick up Sam from school that day, and if I didn't turn up he'd have to walk home in the dark and rain."

"And that stopped you?" Cas utters huskily.

"That's when I learned there's no such thing as a small or stupid reason not to kill yourself. Gotta feed your cat? Have to finish this TV show to the end? There's a new book coming out? Awesome. Whatever it was, I clung to it. Been doing that since the day I watched Sammy run to me with a wet jacket covering his head and a bag of books on his back and a big grin on his face. Over the last couple of years...you've been a huge part of that reason, Cas. Why I'm still here, you."

They settle into the embrace for a little while longer, holding onto that deep conversation just there to make it last a while more.

In a few minutes, Cas sits up again, and they have their cheeks brushing. "Promise not to self inflict damage that could lead to our deaths directly or indirectly?"

Dean has the sudden urge to kiss Cas. Fuck, he's never had that before. Not so strong or pure. Not so desperate as this.

"I promise," Dean says with no hesitation. He pulls Cas closer into his side. "Now you."

"I...I promise too."

"Good. Now, after a good cry, you could use a shower, a lot of water to drink, wrap up in a blanket and then we could watch something sappy. I'm feeling sappy rom-com," Dean says, lightening the mood and wiping the last of his tears away.

He wanted to kiss Cas. Kiss. As in lip-on-lip tangoing, tongues and everything. It would be highly inappropriate to do such a thing in this situation, Dean thought.

Before Dean could change his mind, Cas shuffled out of Dean's hold and shrugged his trench coat off before his jacket and shirt, leaving them on the end of his bed. "I'll go take a shower."

"Cool, I'll get everything else set up." Dean moves over to his bag on the table, trying to not look at Cas' body as he stripped.

"What if Sam returns?"

"I'll send him out with some money and blackmail," Dean sends a wink to Cas while filing through some DVDs.

It's only a moment later when Dean turns around that he sees Cas standing at the bathroom door with a towel around his waist and his bloodshot eyes and tired face, staring at Dean hopefully.

"Dean?"

"Yeah Cas?" He walks closer to Cas.

"Thank you."

"Talk to me again whenever you want, understand?"

"I understand." With that he shuts the door slowly and turns the shower on.

That leaves Dean scratching through his hair angrily and pacing the room; he hadn't had to do much to set up their little movie night, but he was wondering what would've Cas done if Dean had kissed him then?

He guesses he'd never know.