Everything You Never Knew : Secrets

Chapter 13

Rachel knew she must look awful, but she held herself rigidly and with determination disguised as confidence as she walked through the kitchen toward her front door. Rebecca was standing inside, just off of the 'indoor welcome mat' with her shoes off. Her face was just as puffy as Rachel's and her eyes were downcast. “Rachel,” Rebecca began with the same scratchy voice Rachel currently possessed. Rachel couldn't help but soften a tiny bit. At least Rebecca was suffering, too.

Its so sick that I'm happy about that.

“Rebecca,” Rachel replied back like an echo. She shifted her weight from foot to foot uneasily and softly cleared her throat. Rebecca took a step forward.

“I wanted to apologize for how I acted yesterday.” Rachel didn't say anything at first. What was there to apologize for? Ashley was dead and now Rachel knew that Rebecca had a reason to feel guilty and potentially responsible. Of course she was a complete mess yesterday. It was only one day later. Rachel felt her eyes narrow and she knew she was staring at Rebecca with a hard, pointedly suspicious glare. Rebecca took a step back as if Rachel smacked her across her face. Rachel pressed her lips together.

“You don't need to apologize,” Rachel finally replied. She was trying to keep her voice soft and understanding despite the contradicting message her facial expression held. “We're all really upset. She was my best friend.” Rachel made sure to put emphasis on her last two words as if she were challenging Rebecca to confess the secret Ashley's journal revealed to Rachel only minutes earlier. “I haven't stopped crying since my Mom called me in New York. I can't believe she's really gone.” Her voice cracked with that last sentence. She wanted comfort, but she also wanted to attack someone at the same time. All of these intense, conflicting emotions were more confusing and exhausting that Rachel could have ever imagined. Is this the way Ashley felt most of the time, being as intense as she was? Rachel forced her eyes away from Rebecca and brought her fist to her mouth. She squeezed her eyes shut.

Keep it together. Keep it fucking together, Rachel.

Rebecca took another cautious step toward Rachel. “Yes, I do. I know you're suffering, too. I shouldn't have allowed you to see me like that.”

“I was her best friend.” Rachel repeated again, ignoring Rebecca's apology. “I thought I knew everything about her life, but that's not true, is it?” Rebecca's eyes widened in an instant.

“Excuse me?” Her irritation wasn't lost on Rachel but instead of softening and cringing for the sake of Rebecca's feelings, Rachel's mind flashed back to the journal. Rebecca was the one who encouraged Ashley to get rid of the baby without thinking it through. She also encouraged Ashley to keep it a secret. How could she do that to her daughter when she knew how idealistic and sensitive Ashley was? Knowing what she now knew about Rebecca, Rachel couldn't look at the woman the same way. She thought Rebecca had been a wonderful, loving Mother who sacrificed her own life for her daughter's happiness and success. Now Rachel knew it had been more complicated than that. Maybe Rebecca had been nothing more than a 'Stage Mom' who lived vicariously through Ashley. That would explain why she didn't even think about Ashley's feelings about being pregnant. If she had seen Ashley as a person instead of an object wouldn't she have known that Ashley's baby was a person, too? If she had loved Ashley the way a good Mother loved a child wouldn't she have understood that Ashley probably already loved her child that same way?

Rachel did not waver. Her expression hardened again as these thoughts raced through her mind. She owed to to her best friend to stand up for her. This time, Rachel was the one to take a step forward and close more distance between herself and Rebecca. She raised her chin a bit higher.

“You've known for three years how much Ashley was hurting and you never told anyone else why. Why did you encourage her to have the abortion? If you really knew her, you should have known how badly that messed her up!” Rachel's voice was almost yelling now and as soon as she finished speaking, guilt stabbed at her heart. Even if her words were true, she was attacking a woman who had to be in even more pain than Rachel was. This wasn't the time or the place. This was horribly wrong.