Everything You Never Knew : Secrets

Chapter 23

Maybe Rachel wouldn't develop the film in her Nikon. She took the pictures to help her feel better and gain some clarity, but how would she feel developing them in a Darkroom back in New York and seeing them in print? Would it make her feel better, or would it be a temptation to hold on to the past? She re-entered her house and made her way back up to her bedroom. She didn't have to decide right now. She set the camera on her dresser and curled back up on her bed. She reached under the mattress for Ashley's journal.

Rachel's heart didn't start pounding faster like it had every other time she'd opened Ashley's journal. What did that mean? Was she finally starting to accept Ashley's death? Maybe she was simply so exhausted from her grief that she was starting to feel numb. Her fingers flipped through the pages but her eyes did not scan the words she'd already taken in. She reached the dog-eared page and slowly took in a deep, long breath. Time to sink back into Ashley's world.

Nothing felt the same after things exploded with Nathan. When Jonathon broke my heart I was devastated, confused, hurt and endlessly sad. I was sinking in an abyss and the harder I fought to keep myself afloat the faster I was drowning.

I had a different reaction with Nathan. Things weren't dark and swirling and confusing. They were crystal clear. When I was crying after Nathan kicked me out of his house, Nathan called me 'pathetic' and 'crazy.' I realized he was right.

What else would you call someone who dates the brother of the love of their life? What else would you call someone who completely relies on the other person in a relationship for their own happiness? It hurts, closing my eyes and hearing those words spat forth from his mouth, but I can't call him a liar. The choice to date him wasn't a sane choice at all. To this day I can't explain, even to myself, what compelled me to make such a choice. He had kind eyes. He was nice to me and seemed like he understood me. I can sit here and write every excuse that enters my brain, but I know the truth. He reminded me of Jonathon. I didn't fully realize or admit that to myself at first, obviously, and when he first began to accuse me of still being in love with Jonathon, I denied it so adamantly that he had to know it was true. I don't blame him for being bitter than he was the consolation prize. How would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot? If I knew someone I was dating was looking at me and wishing I was someone else, I'd be hurt. If I knew the person I was dating could only give me a part of them because they'd given the rest of them to someone else – especially if that person was my sister, even though I don't have a sister, I'd be angry. There's a part of me that understands why he exploded at me the way he did.

Understanding doesn't lessen the pain, though, nor does it wash away the memory. In that moment, when I was curled up on his front lawn crying, out of control, completely unable to get a grip on myself and he was LAUGHING at me, I looked up at him and saw an inhuman monster. Now, when I close my eyes and that memory comes rushing back, that's still what I see. I'll never be able to forgive him for how he made me feel. I'll never be able to forgive him for throwing me into the truth of who I really am. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive myself, either, for giving him the opportunity to do so.

I miss the days when I could go get ice cream at 31 Flavors and sit outside and try to eat it as fast as I could before it dripped down the cone and onto the table, or my pants. I miss going shopping with you at the Mall and having only so much money I could spend but wanting so much more than I could afford. Do you remember when we'd try on clothes endlessly and slowly make a 'maybe' pile and a 'can't afford it' or 'didn't work out' pile? The workers that were in charge of the fitting rooms hated us. Sometimes its nice to have endless funds at my disposal now, but it makes buying things a lot less meaningful when you walk into a store and realize you could swipe your visa and own everything the shop contains. I miss trying to make costume jewelry look expensive. I miss being able to go to Starbucks in my pajamas before school. I miss so many little things that I took for granted back then because I was always dreaming about what I have now.