Everything You Never Knew : Secrets

Chapter 14

You might think you believe in certain things and have certain values but its only when those beliefs are tested that you find out who you truly are deep down. I was tested. Love was taken from me but it was given to me, too. The thing no abortion clinic will remind you of, is that as a woman, you become a Mother the very moment the pee stick shows a little plus-sign. Forget the circumstances. Forget my age. Forget Jonathon. Forget my career. Forget my Mother. I loved my child from the moment I found out I was pregnant and that trumped everything else. If I would've waited only one more day before making the biggest mistake of my life I would have kept the baby, no matter what the 'cost' was. A Mother sacrifices for her child. A Mother deals with whatever comes her way to protect her child and at the first opportunity I got to prove I was worthy of being a Mother, I made the selfish choice instead.

You know how depressed I was when Jonathon broke up with me and you know that I've mourned him every single day since. You didn't know I was hating myself though, did you. You didn't know I had to look in the mirror every single day and see the face of a selfish murderer.

I felt like there was no way I could ever respect myself or love myself again, so how could anyone else? I had to at least start pretending I was okay after a while. I'm not mad at anyone. I get it. You were all tired of seeing my depression and being unable to do anything about it. Its frustrating to have no control over someone. How do you think I felt about Jonathon? I couldn't MAKE him love me and I couldn't make him care. I had to watch him look all happy with another girl within an instant of our breakup. He would say rude things about me to the media and I had to deal with the tabloids all claiming he cheated on me. He didn't care that I cried myself to sleep with my face buried in my pillow every night. He didn't care that for the longest time, I woke up every morning and wished I never had to open my eyes. Jonathon was untouchable so yeah, I did understand when people around me eventually had enough of my behavior and gave me ultimatums. None of you said things like that out loud but I felt it in your walking-on-eggshell subtle behavior towards me. I knew that it was coming down to that.

It started to feel like everyone I knew was talking about me behind my back. Maybe I was 'paranoid' but I doubt it.

I had a tour to go on, appearances to make, music to create. Eventually I choked my tears back in front of other people and saved them for the darkness. I transformed from a once-innocent girl into a Powerhouse and threw myself into the world with anger and passion that had different motives than everyone else thought. I wrote blatant songs about my loss and dug at the muck that lingered at the bottom of my soul to write music good enough for my next album. More people began to pay attention to me. Some of the attention was good and some of it was bad. Some people praised me for my blunt honesty about my personal life (so they thought) and some criticized me for being a drama queen but even the critics didn't hurt my feelings because they weren't critiquing the real me. They didn't know what I had really done or how horrible of a person I really was so how could they really hurt me when they didn't even know anything about the real me? Not even Gale knew, and as my publicist she thought she knew everything. She kept telling me to use this heartbreak to my advantage. I didn't think of it that way though, my career skyrocketing after losing Jonathon wasn't ever about me trying to use anything to my advantage despite the tabloid's constant accusations of the contrary. I threw myself into my work because it was the only way I could survive.

The day before “Countless Tomorrows” was released, my Mom sat down on my bed and took me into her arms. She stroked my hair and told me that I had to be strong because a lot of teenage girls looked up to me now and looked to me for how they should handle everyday situations. She reminded me I had a responsibility to them. She told me I couldn't just crumble and fall, not only because I was her daughter and she loved me but also because I had to set an example. She said, “Bad things happen in life. Things don't always work out like you think they will, but you have to believe that when one door closes another door opens. You have to be the voice for others so they believe it, too. I have faith in you.” Why did she have faith in me? She was wrong. I wasn't strong. I wasn't normal. I wasn't anyone's voice.