Everything You Never Knew : Secrets

Chapter 21

Ashley's journal was once again tucked under Rachel's pillow for safekeeping. There wasn't a lot left to read and that gave Rachel a bit of relief. Ever since she'd gotten that phone call from her Mother, she'd been on this wild roller-coaster ride through Hell. Although the worst wouldn't be over until after the funeral, the anxiety she had that was wrapped up in Ashley's words was like the anticipation she felt every time she had to get a shot at the doctor's office. The waiting was usually far worse than the shot itself.

That was a bad comparison. The 'shot' would be bad. The funeral would be heartbreaking; the point of no return, but the journal was almost like a living force of anxiety in itself. Ashley wrote in her letter that the journal was confessions for Rachel because she was finally willing to face the fact that Rachel loved her the way that she did. How did the journal end? Did Ashley actually want to try to be with Rachel? If that was the conclusion, it would break Rachel's heart even more. She would have been so close to finally having a chance to make Ashley happy, and the second that chance was finally available to her, fate snatched it away. It snatched Ashley away.

What if that wasn't how the journal ended? What if Ashley was only willing to talk to Rachel about how she felt but didn't return it? The letter Rachel found in Ashley's condo said just as much.

“I don't want you to misunderstand. This isn't me telling you that I'm in love with you or that we can have a relationship or a future together.” and “Only then can we truly figure out what, if anything, we have between us.”

No, the journal wasn't going to end with a confession of Ashley's undying love. But she was at least open to talking about it. She wanted to prove that to Rachel by writing the journal. Some things Rachel knew, and some things she didn't – like Ashley's abortion – but it was the gesture that carried the biggest message of all. There was a least a chance. Maybe the chance was small, remote, and highly unlikely, but for the first time ever, there was a chance.

Not anymore.

Rachel stepped into her bathroom and turned on the shower. The water was almost scaldingly hot, but she stood under it anyway and let it cascade over her hair and down her neck and arms. It only hurt a little and the pain was refreshing. It reminded her that this was all real. She closed her eyes and stood still until she couldn't take it anymore.

After turning off the water valve, Rachel grabbed her old fluffy pink robe off of the door handle and slipped it over her reddened skin. Should she call Rebecca and ask her how

my best friend's death happened – smashed-in face, or was she burnt to a crisp -

Ashley died? No. How would Rachel feel in Rebecca's shoes? Heck, how did she feel in her own shoes? Could she take people asking her for details about her best friend's death? Of course not. She'd want to claw their faces off. That only left her one option. It wasn't a good option but it was all she had.

Rachel looked at her blue backpack, the one that carried her laptop and a few random things she'd thrown in hastily before rushing to the airport. She had no idea what from just memory alone. She held her breath as she reached for the zipper. Her fingers trembled. Her lips pressed together. Her breath caught in her throat. She tore open the backpack and thrust her hand inside before she could chicken out. She felt her hand close around the side of her laptop and she yanked it out.

Rachel's macbook had never seemed menacing before. It was sometimes a pain in the butt. Sometimes the battery didn't last long enough. Sometimes if she had too many applications open, it would freeze. Sometimes her Skype pixilated. She'd smacked it more times that she could count. She'd resisted punting it across the room just as often. She'd never feared it, though. Not the way she did right now.