Everything You Never Knew : Secrets

Chapter 22

There wasn't a lot of Ashley's journal left to read, but Rachel couldn't bring herself to pick it up and see its end just yet. Instead, she made her way downstairs to the video cabinet and dug around in the family's DVD's. When she finally located 'The Breakfast Club' she popped the movie in and curled up on the couch with a blanket. Samson soon joined her and purred as her hand stroked his fur. Rachel and Ashley had a tradition of watching this movie together at least once a year and Rachel could never bring herself to watch it unless Ashley was with her. This was the first time in her life she'd ever sat through it alone and she knew it would be this way for the rest of her life. Still, watching the Principle tell Bender “Don't mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns” made her smile because Ashley would always make the 'bull' sign with her fingers when he said that. For the first time since being told about Ashley's death, Rachel realized that not every single memory of Ashley was going to bring her to tears of anguish for the rest of her life.

Rachel and Ashley shared a lot of good times together. Maybe Rachel could manage to somehow move forward with her life if she held onto the memories that made her smile instead of the ones that made her cry. It wouldn't be easy. It wouldn't be the same, but it would be better than sitting on the couch crying for the rest of her life. Denise couldn't do that when Rachel's father died. She had to pick up and move on because she had a daughter that needed her support. Rachel had a future that was still ahead of her even though Ashley's was gone. Ashley always supported Rachel's photography in the same way that Rachel supported Ashley's music. If Rachel didn't have a reason before to push herself to her limits trying to learn all she could at NYU, she did now. She'd do it for Ashley.

Once the movie was over, Rachel gently lifted Samson off of her lap and tossed the blanket back. She headed back up to her bedroom to see if she the cameras she used in high-school were still in her closet. Sure enough, behind a few shoeboxes she found her Nikon D300 and some film. She loaded the film into the camera.

Rachel didn't dare look in the mirror. There was no way she was going to like what she saw, and no make-up was going to fix her puffy, red eyes or the unrelenting lifelessness that probably showed in her retinas. Her hair was a mess of wild dark curls, it always was if she didn't use products on it right after washing it. She grabbed a hair binder off of her dresser and wound it around her curls to at least keep it out of her face. She slipped her feet into an old pair of Ugg flip-flops and cradled the camera to her side as she walked back down the stairs.

Rachel didn't want to face the third degree from her Mother right now, who was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. She tried to quietly hurry past her as she mumbled “I need to sit outside for a while.” Fortunately her Mother didn't question her. Rachel stepped through the door and tilted her face upward into the sunlight. She closed her eyes and let the warmth caress her skin like an old friend. When she opened her eyes, they shifted toward the swing on her porch. Maybe she should ask her Mother to remove it. She could remember That Day On The Porch like it was yesterday all over again; Ashley's shifting eyes, Rachel's pounding heart, the kiss that made her feel like she was floating. Then there was the awkward talk, the time capsule, the memories buried.

Moving as slow as a zombie, Rachel allowed her legs to carry her forward one step at a time until her calves bumped into the swing. She sat. It creaked a bit. Rachel raised her camera and turned it on to adjust the lens. The place where Ashley sat was empty, lifeless, as dead as Ashley was. Rachel focused the camera and snapped one shot, then two, then three, then four. She turned and adjusted the lens as she viewed the yard where they'd buried the time capsule. She fired off a series of shots. Rachel pressed her foot to the ground, forcing the swing to move. It creaked again, resisting the effort after being left alone for years hanging from its rusty chains. She sighed and stood up, walking off of the porch and down the short hill into her backyard. Her feet crunched on the ground and she pointed the camera at her flip-flops and took a few shots. Rachel focused on all of her pain and exhaustion only long enough to crunch it up into a ball and push it down into the pit of her stomach. She pointed her Nikon at some trees and took a few more shots. They were tall. They seemed to go on forever and the leaves brushed against the sky with the soft caress of a paint brush. She pushed the ball down further. She began to take pictures of the sky, the way the clouds shielded the atmosphere from the unknown of Space. The ball got smaller, harder. She walked further into the trees and kept taking pictures. She didn't stop until her film was used up.