Everything You Never Knew : Secrets

Chapter 12

Rachel’s fingers flipped through the pages of Ashley’s journal until she found where she’d left off again. She looked away for a moment almost hoping she’d lose her place once more and she’d have to search for it again. She could simply repeat the pattern over and over and over again until the whole day passed. That was realistic, right? No, Rachel couldn’t avoid this. If anything, she had to force herself to get through it even faster.

Have you ever closed your eyes and wondered if you were still in your body? All it would take was one tiny thought and my whole body would shake. My eyes would sting and tear and I'd cry. There was no fighting it and there was no stopping it. I'd shake so much I'd feel like I just spent an hour on a tilt-o-whirl at the fair. You know me, I love carnival rides but my stomach does not. My body would ache from the shaking and I'd get so nauseous that eventually I'd exhaust myself to the point of not being able to lift my head from my pillow. Or maybe I just lost all motivation to try. In those moments I felt detached from everything, even myself. So many thoughts would go through my head in quick, uncontrolled, forever-repetative flashes.

Rewind the clock.

Replay a memory of Jonathon and I together.

Hear him say 'I Love You' and see the look in his eyes when he said it.

I was so sure he was telling me the truth.

I was so sure I existed to find him.

I was so sure we were soul-mates. We were untouchable. We were magical.

You might hate me after this next part and I don’t blame you if you do. We promised we were best friends and we’d tell each other everything. We were so young when you told me your biggest secret but I never had the courage to tell you mine. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust you and you need to know that. I didn’t tell you this before because I was ashamed. I was so ashamed that I couldn’t face it. Every time I looked in the mirror from that day on, I saw myself in a way I wasn’t proud of. I thought if I told you, you’d look at me that same way and I couldn’t stand the thought of that. The fact that you care so much about me means more to me than you'll ever know.

Rachel wrinkled her nose. She didn't just care for Ashley, she LOVED Ashley and Ashley knew that. Why did she have to sugar coat her words in her own journal? That made Rachel suspect that Ashley still wasn’t comfortable addressing the truth, even though the entire purpose of her writing this for Rachel was supposedly to do just that. It hurt Rachel’s feelings and she closed her eyes briefly. Rachel despised it when anyone made her feel like she should hide her sexuality or be ashamed of who she was. Rachel was gay. The sky was blue. The grass was green. Ashley had blonde hair. President Obama was born in Hawaii. SO THE HELL WHAT! Hawaii was one of the fifty states. Blond was a hair color. The sky was blue because of the sun's glare off of space. The grass was green because of chlorophyl. Rachel was gay because she was born that way.

Was Rachel letting her mind go off on this tangent on purpose? No, but at the same time she couldn’t sit here and have a self-pitying inner rant about how Ashley referred to Rachel’s feelings about her. She was simply nervous to read on because clearly there was something about Jonathon Ashley never told her. What could be worse than convincing her they were in love and then leaving her like that? Well maybe what Nate did was worse but he didn’t hurt Ashley as much as Jonathon leaving her did. Still, what was she about to find out? Rachel chewed her lip and lowered her eyes to read on.

I hardly cared about anything after he left. I hated my existence. I hated God. I was brought up to be a Christian and I'd always struggled with my faith as a child but I'd never truly hated God before. I'd never truly hated anything, or anyone. Hate is a powerful, dark emotion that eats away at you from the inside out. Its a cancer that has no cure. Once hate is inside of you it becomes a parasite. It feeds on the more accessible things first but then it spreads.