If I believe you

7 // perspective

"So are you not talking to me now?" I say to George as we sit waiting for our plane to depart.

"Hm?" He looks up from his laptop, hes only looked away from it whilst walking.

"Whats your problem?" I ask. Dramatic? Yes, a bit. But I need to get along with everyone for this 'arrangement' to work.

Im emotionally shitty, and good relationships help that a bit.

"Nothing just finishing the album." He shakes his head slowly then darts his eyes toward Matty.

He's sitting with Ross making a fool of him self across from me and George.

"He's a clown" I giggle.

"Ain't that the truth. Wanna hear some of the album?" He asks holding headphones out to me.

"Will I be emotionally traumatized after and or during?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

"Likely possible." He shrugs a bit.

"Later, im an ugly crier. Cant be seen in public like that." I push the headphones back toward him and he laughs.

"Ive seen you cry, its not that bad." He says, putting emphasis on 'that'

"Fuck off." We both laugh and i push his arm a little.

"He missed you." He says. Hushed and more serious now. "I missed you too."

Oh shit.

"Lets not do this right now. Maybe after I take a nap." I yawn then rest my head on his shoulder, causing him to tense up before relaxing and letting it happen.

__

"You begged for the window seat but you've been asleep majority of the flight." Matty says to me the moment i open my eyes.

His smile burns into me making me feel so warm, l forget how beautiful he was when i first open my eyes. Like a fresh breathe of air.

I roll my eyes and pick at the nonexistent lint upon my pants, keeping my hands busy has become a habit of mine. Between rolling little papers, picking at imaginary fuzz, and twirling my hair. If i have spare time, I'm most definitely using my hands.

I peer out the window. Were over the ocean, the sky is a deep black but the moon shines so bright. Reflecting off the restless ocean.

"Do you ever think about the fact theres always something happening beyond you?" I say, transfixed on the calmly clashing waves.

"What do you mean, J?" He says as he rests his head on my shoulder then playing with my hand, stopping me from picking.

"Like theres fish right now, killing other fish. People are fucking, dying, loving, hurting, being indescribably happy. But were here. Of all the world. Its hard for me to think outside of this plane, so much is happening at once and i cant wrap my mind around it." I look down to him, his lush hair tickling my jaw.

"Yes people are doing things, feeling things and living their lives. What are you doing? What are you feeling? How are you living?" He mumbles and traces circles on my cold palms making me want to hold him.

"Im on a plane, with the man i love, following my heart instead of my head." I whisper, my voice suddenly lower than before.

"You've lost your head. But at least your heart is where it needs to be?" He says, as if he's questioning himself.

"Well last time my heart went this direction it was torn apart, so ravenously. Not that I'm blaming anyone but myself." His fingers stop circling my palm as I call his treatment ravenous, and he lifts his head.

Tears are in his eyes. Shit. Ive hurt him. I didn't mean to.

"Why do you still love me?" He whimpers slightly as his eyes search mine erratically.

"I wish I knew. All I know is I can't not love you. I tried so hard." I smile a little. "Really hard. I had a new boyfriend you know, but I called him Matty too many times and he left me."

"Fucking savage." He giggles a bit. A heavy sigh escapes his chest and he looks down at my hand, then begins tracing the outline of it onto my thigh. "When i was a kid my mom prayed the plane would fall, so she wouldn't have to be alive anymore."

What is this? Confession time? We should do planes more often.

"I still don't know if theres a god or not." I shrug. "I want there to be, i don't know 'more' but i don't think there is." I say and grab his hand with mine.

"I thought about calling you everyday since the last time I saw you. I don't regret us, but I'm glad the portion is through. Im ready to recreate us." He snuggles into my shoulder.

"I love you." I whisper kissing the top of his head.

"I love you more." I feel him smile as I rest my head on his and we both fall into a deep sleep.