These Beautiful Flaws of Mine

Day 14

Day 14: Write a scene where a character cries.

"If you don't say anything in workshop, you'll get a bad grade." My teacher said, all the while looking at me with intensity, causing me to shrink in my chair embarrassed that once again, my social anxiety held me down.

I had tried to say something in class- but every time I'd open my mouth someone more outgoing would announce the exact same thought I had. I even raised my hand at one point, but someone said something as my hand meekly rose to reach mid air. Dejected, I just moved my hand to make it look like I was fixing a stray hair. I want to say something, but it's hard as a shy person who mainly likes to just listen to try and say something in a group of 21 people.

The teacher won't understand. My brain tells me this every time I gather my things and leave the classroom like clockwork. A few people say bye to me, I smile back, and tell them to have a good day, hiding the sinking feeling of despair lurking in my heart. The teacher glares at me again, sending me cowering out the door, trying to fight back tears. I'm shy. I signed up for poetry because I write better than I speak. Why does she not understand that?

As I find my way past the college doors towards my Hyundai elantra, I feel a lone tear drop trickling down my cheek. Quickly I wiped it away, ran towards my car and climbed into it, my thoughts going millions of miles per hour as I process what happened in class. For some odd reason, as I thought I managed to gather myself and pull out of the parking lot, I began to cry- a lot. Trying to merge into an exit lane, a car sped up and made it impossible for me to get over, when they were trying to get in my lane. This caused me distress and I began to full on sob, the tears blurring my vision, so I kept in my lane... missing the turn off.

I began to curse that car and the driver, who had the audacity to go around me and in front of me... at a slow pace! Feeling more stressed, anxiety began to kick in with words shouting in my head "you pathetic shit, you're using your social anxiety as an excuse again? you might as well just find a semi truck, go in front of it, break abruptly, and die from the impact!" All of those thoughts spurned in my head, which lit another small voice in my head to direct me back onto my main route and towards a gas station that was on my way home.

During mid route, my vision had gone really blurry and then my brain started to scream at me to get off the road. I wiped my eyes, in hopes to clear my vision and then bright red lights in front of me caused me to stomp on my brakes as hard as I could. Wincing, I expected to hear the sickening crunch of my hood against their bumper. Gratefully, I only heard the squealing of my tires and brakes but no crunch. I opened my eyes, and thankfully they were a foot away from me... but the shadow of a middle finger in their car told me that they were pissed.

My heart pounded and I began to feel dizzy, making me aware that I had been holding my breath while doing this. Come on! Breathe! Just take a little sniff! Anything! my brain screamed at my lungs.

"Eeep" I made a weird noise as I let out my breath and continued on to that gas station, the only place I wanted to be at that moment. I knew that gas station would be a safe heaven for me.

As I turned into another lane, I felt my limbs starting to go heavy, especially my right foot. My eyes bulged out at the weird heaviness settling in on my body. Thankfully, the great red sign reading "Kwik Trip" was within sight and the turn off was coming up soon. Terrified of what my body had began to do, I turned into the turn off lane and found myself a parking spot. Grabbing my purse and keys, I dashed inside of the welcoming heaven and towards the majestic bathroom.

Once inside, I was delighted to find I had the women's bathroom all to myself. In there, I let myself cry my heart out for a good seven minutes, all the while I was catching my breath at the same time. The first breath was one second, the next two seconds, and so on until I got up to ten seconds. It's a calming technique I learned from the last time I had a panic attack. While I did this, I took in my surroundings of brown tile, a marble countertop with a mirror spreading its length, three stalls, a hand dryer, and a paper towel dispenser next to it on the same wall. I've been in here multiple times, but not under these circumstances. For once, I really appreciate these surroundings- even though it's just a bathroom. All I needed was this temporary sanctuary to keep me calm.

After the tears were all out, I collected myself together and wiped off the mascara tear stains. Keep it together. You got this. All you need to do is get home and you'll be fine.

With the words of affirmation under my plate, I gathered my thoughts and looked myself in the mirror once more.

One deep inhale in.
Hold for fifteen seconds.
Now exhale slowly out.

Everything will be alright.