These Beautiful Flaws of Mine

Day 2

Day 2: Write a scene involving a simple item that triggers a memory.

Begrudgingly, I sat down and forced myself to write 500 words. I haven't had the best week for inspiration. Everything was just too together for me to be inspired. It was almost as if someone had pressed the pause button on summer and was relinquishing in the feeling of constant happiness. No drama had gone down for a solid week. I mean, how am I supposed to gather inspiration when all of my friends are on vacation while I'm couped up inside my house for the last week of summer break?!? 

I looked around my room for some kind of inspiration, hoping that something would make my mind go wild and create a story worth a million dollars! Unfortunately, my search came to no avail. Frustrated at my bright colored room for not giving me inspiration, I stood up and walked over to my vanity. Maybe jewelry would help solve my lack of creativity! As I rummaged through everything, I couldn't help but think about next week and how college was looming ahead for me. 

Wow. I'm about to go to college. I'm taking the first step into becoming a young adult and it's scaring me to death! Sure it's only for a couple hours a day, but still as a secondary school student, it freaks me out! I vowed at the start of summer to find a job, but I've just been so reluctant to find one. The last place I want to start is at McDonald's, and that's all I know. I would love to work at a mall, but the closest mall is about 45 miles away. Living in the country stinks! 

All of a sudden, my hand landed on something smooth and leathery, distracting me from my many insecurities. I clasped around it and pulled it out of the corner it was in. To my delight, I had found my long lost journal! It's purple leather binding still looked brand new, but the pages were tinted yellow due to aging throughout the year. Like the strange girl I am, I opened it and sniffed it, inhaling the wonderful smell of old book. For some odd reason, I just love the smell of ink and paper together. It calms me down and I don't know why. 

Curious as to what I have learned in the past year, I opened it to the beginning and felt all of my memories come crashing in on me at once. The attention to the details in my room blurred and everything became hazy as I took a trip down memory lane with my first and favorite memory of last year. 

Suddenly, the boy whom I so desperately loved was sitting across from me, with only the campfire separating us. It's orange glow cast a romantic tone over the group who were with us. His mom and dad sat next to each other, smiling at each other ever so often, while his brother on one side of me and my frenemy on the other. I didn't care she was sitting next to me. I could care less of what she thought of me. All I cared about was him and how his happiness meant the whole world to me, even if it meant keeping quiet about my feelings for him. 

I still remember the look in his eyes when we stared at each other for a long time. His eyes looked so full of hope, so promising, so reassuring that everything was going to be alright. For a second I thought I could see our future together in his eyes. I imagined that we would be able to reach our goals together and that we would help each other to succeed. We also would be missionaries, traveling wherever the wind blew us and being companions for life. And then that second ended when he looked up at the stars. 

I don't know why, but I feel heart broken just remembering how he tore his eyes away from mine. He probably could've cared less for me, but I swear I thought I saw something in his eyes that told me otherwise. I wish I could see that look in his eyes again. I miss the way the flames danced in his pupils and how their glow would flicker across his face. I would give anything to spend one more campfire with him, to see one last look of reassurance before I try to move on with my life. 

The sad part is, moving on hurts so bad. I loved him with all of my heart. Every single piece of my heart, and I never told him. Sure I've posted stories and unsent letters on Wattpad, but I doubt he's ever read them. If he had, then he must've thought how crazy and foolish they were. I learned to stop posting them because my frenemy had been reading them and might've possibly shown his brother the crazy things I posted. I'm not sure what exactly she had done with them, but all I do know is that I can never trust her with my secrets ever again. She brought up unnecessary drama last year, and I think it affected not only our friendship but also the guy's trust/respect in me. He hasn't uttered a single word to me since like April. And even in April, all he did was joke around. I just... wish I didn't feel so terrible about all of this. 

Another factor that bothers me is that if he really wanted to talk to me, he would. But he's shy. And so am I. What are we to do if both of us are too timid to talk to each other? My mom says it's not my fault for respecting his feelings and holding back my emotions was the responsible thing to do because it honored his opinion on love and girls. However, why do I feel like it was the worst decision of my life?  Why do I feel like I've lost such a great friend? What happened to make him hate me? 

Tears rushed out of my eyes and spilled onto my journal. I crinkled my eyebrows as I felt my lips tremble from holding back the sobs. There are so many emotions behind this journal and so many unanswered questions. I want to ask him so much, but I'm so scared of the worst. I'm scared that while he meant everything to me, I meant nothing to him. This was the first time I've ever been in love, and I'm too afraid to reach out to him and talk to him. I wish he knew everything. I wish he would talk to me again. I want him to be here like he used to. 

I miss him. I just want to talk to him again. Is that so bad? 

I love him. Why is that so petrifying and intimidating to me?