Sorry For the Sin

Chapter Nine

After the 4th patent Patsy knew she needed to say something – they hadn't even been making small talk, they just worked in complete silence barley speaking a few words even when discussing patients.

"Barbara..." Patsy finally mustered up the courage while leaving Miss Bliss' house

"Look Patsy" Barbara cut in "I just need to know something" She paused for a moment, waiting for Patsy to respond to check she was allowed to ask a question. Patsy gestured her head , giving Barbara the all clear to continue as they walked to their bikes that were leant to peacefully against the rails "Do you hate me for a what I said yesterday , because you know I didn't mean it like that" She spoke fast , just trying to get it all out in the open.

Patsy smiled "Barbara what a crazy thought – I don't hate you"

"Well that jolly good news" Barbara said slightly slower, smiling slightly now. Only Barbara could be that stressed out of such a small event. While the rest of rounds were silent, and they only made small talk about the sudden changes in weather and plans for when it wasn't so cold – but they weren't trying to avoid convocation anymore. Barbara didn't talk any more about the other night and didn't ask why Patsy wasn't on the midwife router anymore. Patsy just kept with the small talk avoid any convocation that could lead back to Delia.

Delia was taking over Patsy's mind, Patsy wandered if she had spoken to the nuns about the event that had messed up everything. Did she lie? Did she break under the stares of Sister Julienne like so many had done before? Sister Julienne was a harder women to lie too. She was reasonable and fair, doing things by the book yet going slightly out her way in innocent ways to make everyone's life easier. While Patsy hate what was going on she knew that blaming Sister Julienne was not the answer to the problems and wasn't going to solve the problem and it currently wasn't going to make her life easier. Patsy just had to grit her teeth and they both had to be more careful next time. There wasn't going to be any more Gateways, not for a while at least.

The inky darkness engulfed the fail light in the sky by the time Delia got home from her shift. Silence lingered around the dining table as they sat there in silence. Delia was late but not late enough for her too miss out on meal times. Patsy's eyes flickered trying not make eye contact with anyone yet she still wanted to look calm and in control. Like nothing bothered her. Trixie saved the day as per normal spending the whole meal talking about a surgeon she met while checking on one of her women at the maternity home. They were going to the pictures tomorrow and Trixie was utterly trying to get herself out of being on call. Patsy so wanted to volunteer to be on call instead if she wasn't banned she would have- Trixie deserved a night off. Looking at the router she was picking up all the Patsy's work, Patsy couldn't help feeling bad but it wasn't like she didn't want to do it. Oh, she did but there wasn't anything she could do now. Just wait for the mother house to get back to them. She had assumed that one of the nuns had wrote to them explaining it to them, as far as Patsy was aware the mother house didn't have a telephone.

Delia looked lost around the table, she had spent the whole afternoon constructing scenarios for the evening's events, and even tried to stay late to avoid all the possible outcomes she had envisioned.

When the room broke into a selection of small convocations Delia and Patsy spoke to Sister Monica Joan, the convocation was littered with smiles, which was the real communication, not the word. The small glances to each other told the story of love that lay between them, unspoken, forbidden. It was as obvious as the morning sun, as real as the glass that lined there windows, as real as the grass. The feelings that flowed through them as the conversation filled the air. Trixie watched almost in ore at how complete they made each other. Her heart filled with regret that she couldn't have accepted them sooner or that the world wouldn't accept them. How she had spent 20 minutes talking so freely about this surgeon but Delia or Patsy they couldn't do that, they could gloat to the word about what a great date they had had, or share the pain when they had an argument. Trixie's heart broke for them – for hat they had been through and for the future they wouldn't never really get to have.

When the nuns went off to the church that evening Patsy gave a large sigh of relief. Patsy sat outside on the doorstep to Nonnatus House in the cool air, it was so cold she couldn't hide her shaking. She had been up most the night and exhaustion was plastered over her face. The bed sheers were in a knot and aside form a few fit-full half hours of vivid dreams she didn't sleep a wink. Her brain was constantly searching for something to tell her that it was all going to be okay but she couldn't find one. It was a Tuesday – the world was a clinic or on their rounds but she was sat in the house, Delia had gone to work early but she finished midafternoon so they were going to go out- Escape the world for a bit. She heads back inside a boils the water for the 5th time that morning already filled to the brim with tea and wired with caffeine she busied herself getting the cup and teabag ready. Another quick glance at the world around her only seemed to confirm that time was slowing down. She had a long day in front of her but she felt like every day from no one was going to be long. Trixie had tried to make last night seem like a normal night evening hinting that Patsy went in to see Delia but Patsy just lay in her bed, not even having a late night cigarette she didn't know what to do with herself, She didn't need to be up at the crack of dawn every morning or have one ear open for the phone at all times because she wasn't needed. Not now at least.

Patsy had even allocated a place in the A and E department at the London starting from Thursday – I think the nuns were getting sick of her moping and she was driving sister Monica Joan insane and that was quite an achievement. What Patsy was unaware of was how much planning had gone into her new shifts at the London where she didn't have much of a choice but to take the replacement to midwifery with an open mind sister Julienne had spoken in great lengths with the head of men's surgery to make sure their shifts overlapped in the worst ways possible with no day off that matched and barley a free afternoon – this plan stopped them spending anytime together. If Patsy or Delia would have worked out how much planning had gone into keeping them apart they would have been outraged but the truth is sister Julienne did it to protect them. She didn't know what was happening between the 2 nurses and while she wanted to believe they went the people in questions a sick sense told her that they did exactly what the women saw. By scheduling their shifts she kept them apart and by keeping them apart no one can see them together There was already whispers on the streets, the rumor was already seeping ins way into the causal gossip of the clinics, and while Patsy was none the wiser Trixie had spent most of the clinic protesting Patsys insocent to a large number of pregnant women who were horrified that she hadn't been locked up and given treatment yet.