Sorry For the Sin

Chapter Twenty

Feel like the 20th chapter should have big a big important one but instead you have this one that seems to rambler for 1500 words yet not much happens. There is going to be a good chapter coming soon I promise!  :) Please bare with it, some days i can't believe that this story is still going! Thank you for reading please let me know if you thought this chapter was even half decent :)  -R

___________________________________________________

Delia of the other hand dashed upstairs and curled in the fetal position on Patsy old bed and let herself cry like she was a child again. Her world had just shattered and she didn't know how she was going to be alright again. When her wracking sobs subsided, she pulled herself up and went to the bathroom to wash her face with cold water. She barely recognised the person looking back at her in the mirror, she had hollow eyes and sunken cheeks. She knew she would have to pull herself together. She didn't think she would ever understand what Patsy felt when she had her accident and Delia was hoping this was as bad a loss that she was going to have to feel over Patsy. She went back into her room, it felt emptier she didn't know why but she didn't have too. She didn't know how she was going to cope all alone in Poplar or how she was going to explain to her mother why Patsy had suddenly left. She had kept her mum completely out this drama and she was glad but oh how she wished she could write her mum a long letter explaining her broken heart and the love that she lost because hey were careless. Delia stared blankly at the vase where Patsy had put flowers the first day Delia had arrived and wondered what her mother would say. Would she even reply to her letter? She didn't realise it but a pair of tears raced down her cheeks. A soft caring knock on the door woke Delia up out her trance

"Its me Delia. Do let me in" Trixie's calming voice came through the wooden door and into Delia's heart. Delia didn't respond but Trixie came in all the same.

"Are you okay?" Trixie asked. She already knew the answer because she was just as lost as her welsh friend.

"I will be fine," Delia said, trying to sound stronger than she was.

"I spoke to Sister Julienne and she said that you can move into Patsy bed if you want," Trixie said "It took some convincing but I don't want to be with the new midwife" Trixie continued laughing at her own problems

"You sure you don't mind?" Delia asked she was surprised Trixie didn't mind, they didn't really know each other and bar living in the same house they only really had Patsy in common.

"Well, Patsy liked you so you cant be that bad... or that messy" Trixie said, remembering the first time she had laid eyes on the redhead. She had cleaned the whole kitchen due to the smell of dog muck on the bottom on the dear sisters shoes. "Well I would really appreciate it," Delia said, finally looking at Trixie to see they both shared the same bloodshot eyes and lost look over there faces.

xxx

The air was perfumed by the heavy scent of the lilies that someone had left in her room. Their white petals were striking against the backdrop of the otherwise cold looking stone call, simply beautiful but it wasn't Nonnatus House. On closer inspection Patsy could see that their stamens had been removed. She reached out a hand to the delicate snowy petal, and she knew that this would be the last time she could ever enjoy lilies, from now on they just reminded her of the time she had to say goodbye. There sent would forever be sickly and repugnant. Their scent will always remind her of better days.

The days gradually became a week, and soon Patsy started to settle into the new nurses house, it wasn't home not like where she had come from. It wasn't fancy and it didn't feel like a home. People didn't eat together, the other nurses Patsy was surrounded with, they were no family, they were all nice and Patsy made small talk and the occasional joke with a few of them. Not like at Nonnatus House but she was going to make the best of a bad situation. She hadn't yet mastered the buses but in some dark evenings the place reminded her of Poplar, the cobbled street had slightly better lighting than what she was used to but the cold air and the smell made her remember all she had left.

As much as the redheaded midwife hated to admit it soon enough the building Patsy never thought she would settle in did start to sort of feel like a home. Tere was no nuns or no Trixie or no Delia but the people there weren't horrible no matter how many times she tried to convince herself they were. The all made small talk and someone was always around when Patsy needed someone to share a cigarette with. None of them asked too many questions in return for little questions to be asked back. They were all just there to do a job- that was respected and stuck too.

It was bigger than the convert but it wasn't crowded. Patsy became one of 16 nurses that had a residence in the home. She kept herself to herself just doing what she was asked and counting down the days until her and her lovers days matched up. No matter what Patsy thought about the place, no matter how much she tried to convince herself that it would just take time, she didn't have a family here like she did before. There was just rooms and beds filled with tired nurses making small talk nothing more nothing less. All the people were polite enough yet no one said anything at all. At least no one cared enough to press Patsy on why she moved, the nurses just appreciated anyone who would lead a hand. The nursed around her were all different shapes and sizes but they weren't old – none of them Patsy responded were older than she was, she was sure she had the most experience and soon was known to lead a hand when needed. Patsy couldn't help but find it kind of exciting starting somewhere new but know what you are doing.

The job wasn't what she was used to; she hadn't seen anyone but pregnant women since he arrived, she was just Nurse here. Not a single mother asked her name and she gave up trying to plaster it into people's mind. She didn't hate it, she kept trying to convince herself that nothing would ever be as soon as Poplar, she was sure she was right. But she knew that this job was given to her with no questions asked. The pay was just as good and she got her own room. The people were friendly enough and it didn't take long for the place not to feel so dreadful as it did when she first arrived. It was never going to be the convent, but it was no prison camp.

"It comes in waves, Trixie," Patsy said, she tried to keep her voice calm but when talking about the life she had left behind, her heart couldn't help but sink. "Some days I'm fine and I don't think about the life I left behind. For some moments I am ale so simply forget that it ever happened until that reminder comes along and those some moments turn into days where my mind is kicking and screaming in pain and despair. Those reminders feed the demons inside of me – reminding me of all the things I could have done, reminding me off all the things I had to leave behind. Somehow in some twisted world I deserved all this because 'God' doesn't think I deserve to be happy. Because of their stupid bloody god. My pain comes in waves and sometimes, I am floating some days but most of the time I'm about to sink" Her rambling stopped her from breaking down in tears because she couldn't cry, No one would understand. They couldn't see her cry. She wouldn't cry. Trixie knew how much trouble she could get in for using the phone for personal calls but it was a rare occasional that both she and Patsy were sat by phones at the same time. She really did miss her friend and while life was moving on, some days she just saw Patsy in a comment someone would make or hear her laugh during a crowd.

"Trixie," A voice said from behind her

"Oh rat Patsy I have got to go. Speak soon" Trixie said

"Looking forward to it. Send Delia my love" Patsy said before the phone line went dead.

Patsy looked around the nearly empty room; there were nurses around but they all just minded their own businesses.