Sorry For the Sin

Chapter Seven

As Patsy finally brings herself to leave Delia holds her by the door. " Pats" She whispers. She kisses Patsy again in the light of the open door and hollohall way anyone could have walked past but they didn't care about anyone else anymore.

"I belive things will change. They have to. One day Patsy Mount we will be able to walk down the street holding hands. Or get married and when that days comes I'll be so proud to call you my wife" She pressed three kisses against Patsys flushed face and feels Patsys eye filling with tears. Patsy wanted to belive her.

"Love you Delia" Patsy responded before walking sliently down the corridor. As she opened her door she wasn't surprised to find that Trixie wasn't in bed but sat up smoking a cigarette and reading the same vogue she always fell back to. Trixie lept out of bed before Patsy had time to register the situation.

"Oh Patsy im so sorry" Trixie sounded just as hurt as Patsy by the whole situation

"Im guessing Sister Julienne told the whole of popular" Patsy said a it taken back by Trixie sudden hug

"No, she just told everyone that due to change in even you wouldn't be participating in midwifery duties anymore"Trixie paused before coninuting "I was the only one that put the event together" Patsy didn't know what to repond but the silence said more than words ever could. Patsy moved in silence and pain onto her bed, with no energy to get changed she just lay – she wanted to tell Trixie it was going to be okay, but only to try and convince herself.

"Is that all she said?" Patsy asked trying to work out what her options were.

"Yes, she mentioned it rather casually over dinner, Barbara bless her is worried it due to the argument you and her had earlier." Trixie was ttrying to lighten the mood but her words were still spoken with real concern.

Patsy poured herself a glass – she tried not to drink aound Trixie because of ho strong she was being but she needed a drink, she needed to forget her thought and forget the event of the previous day.

"Oh , I do need to apoligise to her , don't I?" Patsy asked trying to keep the convocation away from her and Delia. Trixie was too focused on the amber liquid to repond straight away. Her eyes fixated on the Patsy pouring the liquid into a glass and the golden glow theglass was giving off. She watched, entranced as Patsy took a sip waiting for Trixie to awnser. Patsy saw the look in Trixie eyes and quickly placedthe drink to the side of her bed away from Trixies view- completely caught up in her own mess she completely forgot about Trixie and her sobriety.

"Sorry Trixie" Patsy said shaking Trixie out of her trance.

Trixie carrying on like nothing had happened, shaking her head a little trying to stop her head fixating on the sweet smell of the liquid Patsy had just poured "She wanted to find you tonight, she felt terrible about what she said to you- you know she didn't mean it like that" Patsy knew Trixie was right but for some reason she couldn't make her argument with Barbara a big deal – by the time she had a chance to speak to her , Barbara would most liey already be aware of who was making those noises then she wouldn't want to talk to her aways. Delia lay in her room, trying to sleep wishing Patsy was by her side, keeping her warm making sure she was okay.

The anticipation of tommorows events was kind of a nervous energy. It tingled through her like electrical spars on the way to the ground, gathering at her toes. Before she knew it the sun woud rise and her life would change. While Delia had never been a smoker and had banned Patsy from doing such thing in her bedroom , she had found one of Patsy ciggerettes in a jacket pocket Patsy had left in her room. She kept the icggeretes before returning the acket to Patsy several weeks earlier and now Delia thought, now would be a suttible time to try one.

With a box of matches used to candles she lit he ciggeret up. She inhaled slowly coughing a little as it first entered her system. She couldn't see the attraction Patsy had with them and had been tryin to get patsy to stop since Doctor turner spoke about the possible effects. Taking small slow draws of the cigareete, she felt somewhat calmed. She felt her lungs being wrapped by a warm blanket, a feeling she had never felt before.

Patsy got up earlier tha normal, not 100% what she was waking up for but she knew she needed to see Delia again, make sure she was calm. To calm herself down. She was nervous for Delia moreso than herself. Her mum would disown her if she knew any of the event of the day before. Delia was sat on her bed, smoke filled her room and her eyes filled with fear, she sat aimlessly as if absorbed in the smoke.

"Delia" Patsy screemed horrified and assumed the worst. She knew the scream was loud and would most likely wake up other memers of the house.

"Pats" Delia murmered in a tired voice. Patsy ran to open the window in an attempt to get rid of the smoke.

"Delia , are you okay?" Patsy asked , sitting herself on Delia's bed. Delia had dozed off sat righting making her looks slightly uneasy at first glance

"Im fine , pats. I lit one of you bloody ciggerettes to help me think" Patsy smiled at Delia and her annoyed humour "But all it did was smoke out my whole room" Delias welsh voice echoed in Patsys body making her smile in the light of the early morning sun. Hr voice was tired but the welshness made her sound almost cheerful. Delia shook off her fears and tiredness standing up slowly. In the mist of all the smoke she had almost convinced herself that the previous' days events were just dreams, or nightmares. But no as she sank back down to the real world -  she  knew that she couldn't hide forever - still had to face them. While Patsy had avoided telling her large chunks of the day before Delia knew she had heard Barbara talking to nurse Crain about it after dinner.

Delia let words roll off her tongue in a timbre of warth , the melodic sounds hit Patsys ear drums but she wasn't listen she was mesmirised by Delia her every move made patsys heart beat faster and clearer. Patsy smied at Delias early morning rant that had somehow merged with her appolige due to the smell. Patsy wadered how Delia wwas so prepared for the day that faced her with Patsy struggling to stay in popular because of the events she found it refreshing that Delia didn't looked faised. The truth was it did bother Delia right down to the core but her mum had always taught her that hope was the best way. When she was in hospital she had to hope that her memories would return and hope got her through that – Delia had already lost everything once she wasn't going to lose it again. Hope to Delia was a bright start in a hopelessly dark universe. Through light years of distance the brightness fills ones inner soul. Hope to Delia wasn't just an emotion like it was to Patsy and the others hope was a promise that smiling and laughter were just around the corner.

Patsy went down to breakfast first , leaving Delia to get ready. She braced herself for the nuns as she headed downstairs – but they were just as busy as ever barley having time to notice nurse Mounts arrival. Sister Julienne stood still looking at the route of today trying to work out where was best fitting for Patsy to go.

"Nurse Mount – Your with Barbara doing insolin this moring" She didn't look Patsy in the eye but her voice was clear and direct. She could have been standing square on. Patsy didn't say a word ust braced herself for Barbara debating, wondering if she should apoligues.

"Now Nurse Mount" Sister Julienne spoke again this time looking at Patsy using her eyes to direct her towards the exit. Patsy grabbed her ag. Not having time to check if everything was in their she headed out the bicycles. The sheds feel silet as she walked over. Neither nuns nor nurses so much as breathed loudly.

"So who are we seeing first?" Patsy asked trying to put on a false smile an failing misribly.

"Mr saxon" Barbara said a bit shaken up by the mood Paty ppeared to be in. Tixie nodded her hdead before heading off in her own direction.

The way as long and silent – Neither of them tried to make convocation as they cycled in the crisp british air. The sy as getting more overcast since the nurses work first things this morning. The skiy had lost the early morning sun and while it was still early it as no awash with various shades of gray, in places a chink light managed to break through, but otherwise it alsmot felt pre-dawn. The gloom of the day was reflected in the mood of the nurses on their bikes. Patsy wanted to say sorry but didn't know the words an Barbara didn't know how to even begin. Both the girls wanted to start again but neither one wanted to open their mouths.