Sorry For the Sin

Chapter twenty-one

Patsy finally got off the bus, and saw all she was missing, the magical world of Poplar was spinning past her eyes, the café lied ahead of her, it had had a new coat of royal blue paint which glistened in the golden rays of light, that brightened the day. Patsy smiled at the familiar Poplar still felt too her, she was nervous about meeting Delia and felt guilty about not informing Trixie of her trip. She had told herself that she would put her head round the place she used to call home but now she was here, the idea made her sick to her stomach. She didn't want to see who had replaced her. She didn't want to see how everyone had moved on already. She wouldn't have been able to cope and she knew that. Patsy's face smirked upwards at the sight of the flower pot to her right; she forgot how they appeared during the summer months. Poplar had been putting in new flowers in any small patch of green one could find, in the hope that during the heat of summer the flowers will give the place flashes of yellows and pinks. She took a deep breath before walking towards the café if she stopped walking she could have heard her heartbeat over the noise of the town. She wasn't in a real hurry she kept walking, the familiar sound of "I love how you love me" hit her ears as she pushed open the door to the café where she used to spend many happy hours.

A smile reached both sides of Patsy's face as she made eye contact with her welsh girlfriend for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, what she would have done to grab Delia in her arms and kiss her but she knew that this wasn't the time or the place. In the summer light in the café there knees almost touched under the narrow table. Their small talk made Patsy smile, hearing Delia rant about male surgery made Paty forget that she would be getting on a bus home in a few short hours.

Patsy removed her elbow from the table and sat up a little straighter as she braced herself for the question she really wanted to know the answer too: "Trixie has been avoiding telling me, how is the replacement?" Patsy asked, smiling while she asked but she was nervous about Delia's response.

"She's not you" Was all Delia could respond, that was all she could say, she missed Patsy and her confident presence around the house. It didn't feel the same without Patsy around her. It felt like the nurses home all over again. She didn't feel the family that Patsy felt; they had still been on edge with her since the event. While the other nurses didn't mention it, Delia still couldn't look half the sisters in the eye.

"Seriously Deels?"

"Seriously Pat!" Delia responded. She was just trying to be sweet everyone at the convent missed Patsy terribly, and Sister Monica Joan hadn't been the same since Patsy parted ways. Trixie couldn't accept the changes and isolated herself from the new girl all together, even avoiding making eye contact during the meals they shared. Delia would never tell Patsy but she almost felt sorry for the New midwife, for one she was replacing Nurse Mount and secondly she had arrived at Nonnatus House during one of then tense times. Trixie had ever seen it like this, people avoided talking about Patsy, and the new midwife didn't know where she belonged.

"Her name is Rose," Delia said, she assumed that Trixie had already shared that with Patsy but still told her all the same.

"Shes from Bristol" Delia continued, trying to read Patsy face to see if this was new information or not, but her facial expression was as hidden as ever. She was still smiling but that was for the same reason Delia was smiling, they were facing each other across a table again. It wasn't the gateways but they knew they would make it back there again one day. Patsy missed being around other people like her. Not that she would ever share that thought with Delia due to how much of a fuss she made every time Delia wanted to go. She missed being able to dance with her welsh lover, she missed not having to lie just for a few hours she could be her truest bestest self and she loved that.

"And that's all I'm saying Pats, To be perfectly honest that's all I know about her, Trixie acts like this poor girl doesn't even exist."

"Don't they share a room?" Patsy asked. She wasn't told about Delia and Trixie's arrangement not because either of them wanted to keep it from her but because it seemed a waste of a phone call when they didn't get long anyway.

"No, she's in my old room. I took your bed... I hope you don't mind."

"Deel, why an earth would I care. To be frank, I think that's quite sweet" She replied smiling.

"You should come back to Nonnatus House. Everyon... Most people will be delighted to see you" Delia said, getting a tiny bit excited

"I'm not sure Deels" Patsy's voice wasn't as excited as Delias, Patsy stared aimlessly out the window.

"Come on Cariad," Delia said, prying Patsy to finish her coffee, she wanted to show the nuns that they were stronger than where ever they sent Patsy, she wanted to show Trixie that Patsy was still alive.

"Fine but I will just pop in, no matter what you say I'm not staying for afternoon tea," Patsy said smiling, she missed Nonnatus House afternoon tea, but she wasn't sure she could deal with the fake conversation, not today, not on her only day off for two weeks. She had other fake conversations at the nurses home to last her a lifetime.

"I wouldn't dream of making you stay" Delia smiled her cheeky child like smile.

They drunk their coffees and continued to make small talk just like they used too. Patsy tried to avoid talking about her new life because she didn't want to make Delia feel any worse about the situation than she already did. Delia didn't want to pry into Patsy's new life, new job and new friends but she wanted to know. She was Welsh! She didn't like not knowing what was going on. She didn't like not being part of Patsy everyday life; this was worse than when Patsy first moved to Nonnatus House, at least then they were only cycling distance apart. Their outbursts of laughter echoed through the coffee shop, just like old times.

"Come on then Deels, let's go before I change my mine," Patsy said smiling but there was a seriousness to her voice that hadn't appeared in their previous conversations.

Delia didn't respond she just took the last swing of her now cold drink and followed Patsy out the door. The walk back towards the convent felt long then it normally did, Patsy didn't know what she would face when she walked through the door. She didn't know if anyone would be home and the as neither did Delia, she was hoping Trixie was home but she had zoned Trixie out this morning and focused on her own nerves and excitement.

The walk felt like a lifetime even though the pair had done it many times before. The route was engraved in Patsy's mind no matter how hard she tried to forget it, yet she couldn't help but feel somewhat lost in the streets of the place she used to call home. Theses streets weren't her home anymore. Being back in Poplar just reminded her of that horrible facts. Patsy noticed things that used to pass her by like a crack in the cobbled streets of the road. Staring down at the floor beneath her feet she couldn't understand how she ever managed to cycle it, walking it felt like a struggle. Maybe that was the road or maybe that was because of her reluctances to go back to a place she had been trying to forget.

There were a group of small children playing on the road near the entrance of the convent, while their mothers stood beside them chattering loudly as if no one was listening. After the couple walked a few more yards, Delia soon became aware that they were now the topic of the women's conversations. They looked not very subtly at the girls as they headed to the door. Delia wasn't sure that Patsy had noticed it but she was hoping that her girlfriend hadn't or she would never come back to Poplar again. The rumours and talking had become something Delia had gotten used to while Patsy left it all behind Delia hadn't been able to. She had to hear things about her every single day most of which weren't even correct but she couldn't say anything. No one would believe her even if she did.

Patsy pulled open the large door to the place she used to call home, the metal of the doorknob as cool against her palm and she twisted it with ease, entering the well-lit hallway.

Before Patsy could let out a sigh of relief, she was embraced with a hug off her blonde haired friend. Trixie mouthed Thank you to Delia who was stood a few paces behind Patsy. The house Patsy left behind looked the same, yet felt so very different. She was glad that she could look at it again. It reminded her about why she left. It reminded her of the rumours and the lies she kept.