[Part 1] Chat MD 1: Invisible Girl

Day 58.5

(Jenessy's notebook)

I don't want to have anything to do to both of them anymore...

Ang sakit umasa.

Alam ko naman, it's too much to ask for Marcus to recognize me without really saying anything. I know, it might have been just a sweet fantasy. I know that it might not be possible. Malayo sa katotohanan.

Gustong-gusto kong aminin sa kanya na ako si En.

Pero pano? At bakit pa?

Ang sakit maramdaman na... mahal niya si En. Pero ako, yung ako talaga... as Jenessy... sini-set-up niya kay Jeric.

Pano ko pa sasabihin sa kanya yung identity ko, kung malinaw na sini-set-up niya ko sa iba? Siguradong alam niya ang nararamdaman sakin ni Jeric dahil magkaibigan sila. Baka unang nagsabi sa kanya. At dahil mabuti siyang kaibigan... kaya tinutulungan niya.

Nakakabaliw isipin.

Nakakaselos si En.

Marcus loves En. He loves the idea of me. But not me.

Ang sakit-sakit ng puso ko. Why did I hide in a name? Why did I remain invisible? Why can't he feel the real me?

I hate him so much.

But I hate myself more!

I did this to myself. Alam kong ako ang may gawa nito.

Mas madali pang tanggapin kung naging friends lang sila ni En. Kahit hindi niya ko magustuhan as Jenessy, malulunok ko. Pero yung mahal niya si En at hindi ako, nakakabaliw. Sobra.

I hate this feeling so much. It hurts so much.

Ayoko na siyang makita. Ayoko na siyang maalala. Ayoko na siyang marinig.

I hate 9pms. I hate good mornings and good nights. I hate trying to be strong. I hate trying to be near him. I hate our conversations. I hate these past 50 plus days.

I hate my lack of guts.

I hate the feeling of knowing how he could have loved me.

I hate falling in love with him.

I hate hating him.

I hate everything.

Why can't he see me for who I am?

Why am I still invisible in his eyes?

Why is it like this?

I hate this.