[Part 1] Chat MD 1: Invisible Girl

Day 68

(Jenessy's notebook)

Wala kahit seen...

Nakakatatlong Hi na ko.

Siguro, masyado ko siyang nasaktan. Nanghihinayang tuloy ako sa mga message niya na hindi ko nabasa dahil deactivated yung account ko.

I told him that if I love someone, I wouldn't leave. That I would hold on. But I turned my back on him at the first sign of not being recognized.

I didn't even wait for clarifications. I didn't even ask him anything. I just left with my assumptions because I was selfish. I left because I was afraid to get hurt.

Sabi niya, kapag may problema, tanungin ko siya directly. But instead of asking him first, I lashed at him about what happened at the park. I turned to hate.

Kahit na alam kong pwedeng ako yung problema kaya hindi kami nakapag-usap. Dahil masyado akong tensed. Dahil nagkunwari akong nagbabasa nung lumapit na siya.

Sabi niya, trust in him a little. I told him I would. But at the first sign of something that looked like betrayal, I chose to misunderstand him and disappear.

Sabi niya, I should be a little more confident with myself. I told him I would try. But I backed out in every confrontation. I backed out when I got compromised. I cowered when I could have just told him who I was.

I was so weak. I should have believed in him a little. I should have had second thoughts.

Sabi niya, I am sincere. Now I don't believe it.

I'm just a girl living the dream of being noticed by my first love. I'm just a girl who's ready to commit when it suits me.

Kaya hindi ako magtataka kung galit siya. He tolerated me. He gave me space. He respected my decision to remain anonymous when it was so easy to investigate or catch me red-handed.

He waited for me to have the guts to admit my name.

He remains true to his word. I'm the one who's stupid.

Pero maghihintay ako. Hindi na uli ako susuko gaya last time. Hanggang maging malinaw lahat.

Kahit i-seen niya lang muna ako uli. O sungitan. O tawaging annoying. At i-capslock.

Kahit umulit kami uli mula sa simula.

Maghihintay lang ako.

This time, I won't back down.