Falling for him

{Chapter seventeen}

But pain's like water. It finds a way to push through any seal. There's no way to stop it. Sometimes you have to let yourself sink inside of it before you can learn how to swim to the surface.

-Katie Kacvinsky

• • •

Once I arrived home, I ran straight to my room and locked it behind me. Lucas was in his room, his door was open but I couldn't face him after everything, so I didn't even bother informing him that I was home.

I went and sat on my bed and silently cried for a while, I had to make sure Lucas was in bed already before I left my room and went to the bathroom. I grabbed my towel and ran to the bathroom, after locking the door behind me I stripped out of my dress and threw it in to the garbage can; I had to throw it out or else I'd be reminded of everything whenever I saw it again.

I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my body in disgust, there were ugly looking marks and bruises everywhere, looking at them made me want to cry. I was in pain physically and emotionally. The marks ran along my neck and chest and were beginning to become swollen. I felt dirty, used and vulnerable as I looked at myself, there were dark purple toned bruises all over my thighs and bottom.

After one last look at the ugliness, I slowly got into the shower, as the pain was still there as I moved. I stood under the running water for a while whilst tears flooded out of my eyes.

I grabbed my shower gel and scrubbed my body, even though every touch made me wince in pain, I had to wash away the filthiness. After many scrubs all over my body, I washed my hair then got out of the shower and gently wrapped the towel around me and walked back to my room.

After locking the door, I stood in front of my closet and looked for something to wear that'd cover my neck as well as my arms. I grabbed a turtle neck top and some pyjama bottoms, I placed then on to my bed and grabbed the photo frame from my bed side table. The photo was of my mom, Lucas and I, it was taken on our fourteenth birthday; just a few days before my mom was diagnosed with cancer.

I held the photo frame tightly against me as I sat at the end of my bed and cried. I couldn't hold it in any longer, I missed my mom more than anything and I just wish I could hug her and let it all out, I wish I could talk to her about what happened.

"Mom, I wish you were still here. I feel so lonely without you, something happened today well yesterday as it's way past midnight now, I wish I could hug you and talk to you about it but I can't; you're not here anymore." I whimpered as I spoke to the photo. "My depression is back after all this time, I feel upset all the time and sometimes I think about ending it all, I think of how it would have been better if I had died the night I tried, and I just wish to end this never ending pain, but I know I can't, I have to live for Lucas. I know how hard it was for the two of us after you left, and I know Lucas won't be able to handle it without me around, just how I wouldn't survive without him. I'm aching all over, I wish you could just talk to me once and tell me that everything will be okay and that I'll get through this without breaking more than I already have done. I feel disgusted when I look at myself, I wish you were here to tell me that I'm beautiful even though I'm covered in ugly marks. I want to talk about it to someone without becoming a burden upon them, I want to tell Lucas but I can't, I can't let him see me like this, I can't hurt him anymore. Mom, I love you and I miss you.. I can't wait to be with you again sometime, hopefully sometime soon."

After speaking my mind out to the photo, I turned around to see somebody stood near the window, at first I got scared and as I was about to scream, I realised that it was Nathan. He must have climbed in through the window. He began walking towards me, he had tears in his eyes. As he stood in front of me he pulled me into a hug as I cried into him. He smelt like soap, he must have just showered too, his scent made me feel safe and secure.