Falling for him

{Chapter twenty three}

Warning: Self harm and suicide attempt mentioned.

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Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?

- Mary Manin Morrissey

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I slammed the door and locked it then slid to the cold tiled ground, removing the blade out of my pocket, I went in with force on my wrist. The blood began slowly pouring out as I winced in pain, I took one last look around the bathroom of my home then went in once again. The blood flowed out faster than before off my arm and onto the ground.

I closed my eyes and waited for it to all end but there was nothing but pain around me. Suddenly, I heard heavy footsteps outside the door then loud thunderous knocks. There were shouts coming from the other side of the door but I tried blanking it all out, this was the end, I couldn't back out last moment. Then all of a sudden, the door came flying down revealing a petrified looking Lucas. He looked down at the puddle of blood around me, then at the blade in my hand, then straight at my face which was covered in painful tears.

He shook his head then came running towards me, I couldn't take the sadness that lingered over his face, so I took the blade and cut through the same spot but deeper and with more force. I cried through the pain and closed my eyes tightly wanting it to all end, wanting life to end.

He kneeled down next to me and snatched the blade out my hand then threw it away from me. He got up and grabbed a small towel out of the cabinet then sat back down and pressed it onto my throbbing arm. I looked up at his face which looked down at me, tears flowed out of his reddened watery eyes. I felt so guilty for putting him through so much despair, yet I closed my eyes and hoped for this agonising event to end as quick as possible.

"Keep your eyes open.. Please." He pleaded as he began shaking me.

"I'm taking you to the hospital." He sobbed, I felt his tears fall onto my face and onto the tears which already sit there from my sore eyes.

He wrapped his arm around me, I felt him picking me up. "Open your eyes.. Everything's going to be okay." He added as I began losing my consciousness.

"Nancy, wake up." I felt someone shake my shoulders. "It's okay, it was just a nightmare. Don't cry, please. Everything's fine, I'm here with you princess."

I opened my eyes and looked around, realising it was just a nightmare of the gruesome night that occurred almost five months ago, I sighed in relief as the tears building up in my eyes began pouring out.

Lucas pulled me into a hug as I wept. "It's okay.. I'm here." He told me. "What were you dreaming about?"

"That night, the night I tried to end my life. I'm sorry." I spoke whilst still hugging him tightly, not wanting to let go of him.

"Why are you apologising? It's all over, we've gotten through it all so why are you going through the thought again?" He questioned as he gently stroked the scars on my wrist, the scars that were the outcome of trying to end my life.

"I thought of it again, last night. I'm sorry, I know I promised you that I'd never do it again, but something in my mind was telling me that I should." I breathed heavily.