Things I wanted you to know (Phan)

~chapter 1~

Yes, I was very much in love with you. From you as a person to the ins and outs of what made you who you are. I was in love with the idea of you. That life that we pictured wasn't just something to pass the time for me. Many people fall in love, wether it be from a date or a one night stand that ended up lasting 10 years. But I was in love with my best friend. You see its difficult being someones "best friend" when you was in fact in love with them. Now grammatically speaking 'was' isn't correct but I cant say that I'm still in love with you even though I am because that might be the thing that finally breaks me and I cant let you do that to me. I don't regret the hours we spent talking about things that really didn't matter. All the fights and the arguments painted a false picture in my head that what we had you couldn't bear to lose. Of course this was nonsense and I suppose in a few months time there will be little memories in your head of what we once were. What I have come to the conclusion, however, is that losing you as my best friend hurt more than losing you as whatever else there was. Now I never intend for you to read this, because only to me does it make sense. In order to truly understand something from someone else's perspective, one must first understand it from your own.
I never really understood love. I never understood why people would put their hearts on the line for someone. I never understood why someone became the light of other peoples lives, it all seemed so trivial, so mundane. I imagined never needing love, because I always believed I was above it. I think you could tell how wrong that was. You told me that you couldn't handle me because of the things I do to myself. It sound stupid but all those nights we stayed up talking about how picture perfect our lives would be,we'd move to LA, when I was in my last  year of college you'd fly out and look at apartments. We'd have dogs, you wanted a german shepard and me a pug. You told me you'd be there through the anxiety and depression. You told me you'd never let me go to sleep not feeling okay but look at me now. I can't sleep, I don't eat, if this is what love feels like; I want it to stop.
Its been 6 years since I met you. The first time I saw you smile, this sounds stupid, the world got a little brighter. It felt like going on a long journey and finally getting home, you was my home. Since that day I saw you once a week which was never enough. Those few hours we had together were the only thing I looked forward to. But you was dating someone at that point, but I didn't know that. We didn't go to the same school, we weren't even in the same year. Then came the months of me messaging you "hey" or "how are you" and I wouldn't get a reply for days. But when I did, I screamed and instantly screen-shotted it. My phone was full of the simple, everyday conversations we had. Then we started talking more, minutes turned into hours, then into days of non stop messaging. People started noticing the way that my face would light up when I saw that I had a message from you. I remember glancing over at you and you were already looking. I then found out about the person you was dating. They were effortless pretty, and the way you looked at them reminded me of something. Perhaps it was because it was the way I looked at you.
   The first time you saw the cuts on my arm, you looked like you'd seen something from a horror film. You marched over and yelled at me. You asked why the hell I'd do that to myself and told me, to you, I was stunning and perfect. You told me I needed to talk to you every night. I didn't see this as something "just friends" do. You didn't have to care, you only saw me once a week, but you chose to. God knows why. To this day I still don't know why. You told me "I'm your stable constant and you need me". I was suicidal, why didn't you see that? I told you theres so many people out there, you told me theres only one me.
   We made promises, you stopped smoking, I stopped self harming. You never agreed with me self harming in the first place, you told me "You hurt yourself to feel better in your own skin. It's ironic isn't it? And that's what's annoyed me" and that I'm above that. We argued whenever one of us broke the promise because we were actually trying. Neither of us cared what we did to ourselves but we cared enough about each other to know that breaking the promise hurt the other more. I tried baby, I really did. You started saying that you love me when it was time to say good night to each other. I was left reeling over if you meant that in a platonic way or not. I have my answer now.
   You made me get counselling for the whole self harm thing, I did it. All I ever talked about was you. How you was my best friend and I'd be so lost without you. Counselling never worked for me because I never thought I had a problem. But now I have to try it all over again. At the end of one meeting my counsellor told me "never lose that boy of yours" but thats exactly what I've done isn't it. You were the only thing I'd talk about to my friends because I was so blindly in love with you I didn't see anything else. I realised that if I told you I broke our promise, you'd get mad at me, so I started lying to you. You stopped smoking for months and told me that was all thanks to me, while I broke the promise every night while you slept.
So fast forward a couple of months, you kept telling me about all these people you was talking to. They seemed perfect in every way I wasn't. I tried to be happy for you but how was I supposed to be? You sent me pictures of them just to rub it in my face that they were worthy of your love and I wasn't. I stopped seeing you every week. I blamed it on another club I joined but to be truthful it was because I really couldn't look at you. 
Then came the night that we fell apart. You were drunk, and I suppose I should have been honoured that you chose to talk to me while you were very inebriated. The night before you gave me the ultimatum, I lie to you again and I quote "whatever this is, won't be a thing anymore". But I told you the truth and you left anyway. You asked me if I was in love with you. I asked why it mattered. You told me you don't have feelings for me, and you hope I don't have feelings for you. The last 6 years that we had together flashed before me, everything we told each other, the life we planned together. I lied to you. I told you I didn't have feelings for you either. Then you asked me about the self harm. I wasn't exactly sober either. I didn't lie to you this time. You got mad, the way I'd never seen you do before. You said "we'll talk about this tomorrow". I told you don't bother. "Fuck you, fuck everything. I'm done with your shit" was the response I got.
I messaged you the very next day. I asked how you how your mothers operation went. I said I was sorry it had to end this was. You saw my message but never replied. I'm still waiting for my phone to light up and it to be you telling me that you miss me. I blocked you on pretty much everything but I left your number just in case. I don't know why I did because you'll never want be back and I know that.
Don't fall in love, it will tear you apart.

-Dan

As Dan closed his laptop, ready to end it all, he hit the send button accidentally. He wrote his feelings in messenger because that was how he and Phil has first started. As Dan took what he hoped was his last breath his phone lit up.

[Phil💞is typing]