Things I wanted you to know (Phan)

~chapter 4~

     Does this ever get any easier? How do people manage to suffer a heartbreak and go about their daily lives like it doesn't matter? When does that point come where I stop thinking about you all the time? The only relief I get from the cycle of.. Well... You, is when I'm slicing open my skin. Draw in silver, the lines turn red.
     It's summer soon isn't it, you're going to some festival which you wanted me to go to. But I bet you wouldn't want to be seen with me now. The effortlessly stunning boy and the other person with the sad scars. I remember your face when you're disappointed. You looked at me as though I was the cause of the worlds death and destruction. I'm the cause for my own destruction so that I don't have to burden anyone else. You taught me that.
     You told me I'm not the only person in your life who selfharms. You asked me what to say to them. I was the one who needed help and you used me to talk to someone else. I told you all the things I wish you'd say to me, that I was beautiful and loved. I can talk people out of suicide but I can't do that for myself. I tell people selfharm isn't the answer yet it's me who is addicted to it. You were my person. The one person I had in this miserable excuse for an existence. I don't have anyone left. People use me when there's no one else to talk to.
     People only care about me when something bad has already happened. People only take a second look at me when they're staring at the cuts on my legs or my tear stained face. No one wants to see me happy. You wanted me to be happy.
     I always wonder what you're doing, how you are and who you're with. Sometimes things like that are better not knowing. Do you even think about me anymore? Or am I already a ghost of someone you used to know? I'd give anything for a second chance, even though we both know I'd never change.
     Drugs may kill you but they'll never break your heart.