Things I wanted you to know (Phan)

~chapter 19~

Tw: self harm and drug abuse
It'd been 4 months since we were 'just friends' and I'd found someone else. I never thought I'd find love again, I didn't think I could love someone again. But I loved him with every fibre of my being, there wasn't a single part of him that I didn't adore. I woke up to "I love you so fucking much" and I thought that was real.
       Then messages started coming in from random people saying things like "don't you know he's talking to someone else". What's wrong with me? Why I am I never enough? All the other people he was talking to were so much more prettier and skinnier than me. I'll be better- wether I kill myself trying to get there or not.
        He messaged me tonight, he'd been saying that he loved me all day. But tonight he said "I can't do this, you're too clingy, fuck you I don't love you". It felt worse than when Phil had told me he didn't want to be with me. The new boy was supposed to be my second chance, my first true love.
      So I broke my clean streak. I have no regrets in doing so. Me and Phil barely speak anymore so it's not like I've got anyone left who actually cares about me. I'm too much stress onto Phil; he tells me that constantly. Maybe I would be better of dead.
     All I want is a hug. Human contact. But who would want me. I feel myself slipping back into that dark place i spent so long trying to pull myself out of. But I'm not even trying to fight it anymore. Welcome back depression, my one true friend. I'm not going to seek help this time, I don't need doctors; I don't want to fight how I'm feeling because at least then I'm feeling something at all.
     I have nothing to look forward to in life anymore. I have my exams in a few weeks and I know already I'm going to fail them. Then I go to some bad college and do a course I don't want to do because I'm too dumb to get into the college I want. I'll get nothing from life.
    The sad thing is that I was actually starting to enjoy living. I did a lot of drugs about a week ago. The first time I think I can say I've been genuinely happy. Cocaine made me the happiest I've been in my entire life. Some white powder made me love life more than any memory I've ever created. I don't regret doing it, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Maybe I'm fucking my life up more but it feels like freedom.
      So yeah. My life's gone downhill again.

Au: sorry for the long wait and the shit upload 🤘🏼