Things I wanted you to know (Phan)

~chapter 3~

Au: Because no one commented I decided that I'll just write what I want. Enjoy 💞
     I remember the first time you hugged me. The weather was an ordinary, rainy British winter day. But we both knew it was anything but an ordinary day. After having a panic attack in one of my lessons, and receiving some pretty horrible messages from people, I wasn't exactly having a good day. You knew all this of course because you was my best friend and I told you mostly everything. During the break we had you saw me looking at the messages on my smashed iPhone screen. You took the phone from my hand "Dan stop pressing down on your screen, you'll get glass in your hand". Then you read the messages.
           You hugged me
     In that moment my senses were alive. I had to go on my tiptoes to be the same height as you. You know I don't do hugs normally because of my anxiety I don't like physical contact that I wasn't prepared for. "Relax, I'm not going to hurt you. I'll never hurt you". That was complete bullshit wasn't it. You hurt me. It wasn't physically but to destroy someone from the inside out is unforgivable also. I thought I felt your heart speed up. Maybe I was imagining things...
     You give really good hugs, I don't know if you knew that. And I know you told me to stop messaging you but I feel as though if we're over then I want everything out in the open. I know it would be better to not message you but I can't help myself.
     A friend told me today that if you're in an argument with someone then don't message them for three days. If they need you, they'll message you before the three days is up. Then the argument would be solved because you both know that you need each other. But it's been over a week, boarding on two. Does this mean you don't need me? I'm so confused about what this means. I still need you. But then I think back to the times where I doubted whether you need me or not.
     You forgot about March 1st. You probably still don't remember why that date was so important to me, or why I really needed you that day. March 1st was my scheduled suicide date. I needed you. You forgot about me. Then yelled at me for selfharming but it was the only thing keeping me from doing something much worse to myself. I thought about how annoyed you'd be if I killed myself. I didn't think you'd be sad, or that anyone would be sad for that matter. I still don't think anyone would.
    You was my future so now that you're gone I'm not too sure I want a future. I'll never image growing old with anyone but you. I don't want to.
    You've been gone for almost two weeks and I'm doubting whether I want to live more than usual.
[Message sent 2:15]
[Message received 2:17]

[Phil💞read at 3:45]

[phil💞 is typing...]
That hug meant nothing to me. You mean nothing to me.
5:22
[phil💞 is typing...]
Sorry that was my girlfriend...
6:31
Dan?