This = Love

Chapter 14

"Kay, talk to me" Danny pleaded.

"I don't know what to say" I shrugged.

"Look I've got a theory on what's happening here but you've got to be honest with me, ok?"

"Ok"

"Did you pick the fight with me to make it easier for you to leave?"

"What? No" I replied instantly.

"Just think about it, if you are so sure that's not the reason, then you must know what is"

"I don't know though, that's the thing.  But I didn't wake up this morning and think 'I know what I'll do, I'll pick a fight with Danny.'"

"I didn't mean you planned to do it, just that maybe subconsciously you thought it would make it easier to leave."

"Easier to leave? Danny I know that when I walk out of that door I will never see you again, how have I made it easier to leave?"  The tears were back but I refused to let them control me.

"What do you mean, you will never see me again?"

"Well why would you want to see me again? Danny you could have any girl you wanted so why would you want me now?"

"Do you really think I could have any girl I wanted?"

"Of course you could."

"Well I want you."  I looked at Danny waiting for him to say 'but ...', he didn't though, he took my hand and looked me straight in the eye and said "I want you, and I want you to want me."

There was a silence between us, of course I wanted Danny.  I stared into his eyes, they were full of love but maybe with a glimmer of fear?  I couldn't find the words to express how much I loved this man.  I lifted my hand to his cheek and gently wiped a stray tear.  "Of course I want you." I whispered.

"Maybe that's a good place to start." Danny said as he leaned in and kissed me.

"I'm scared you know?" Danny confessed as we pulled apart.

"Scared? Of what?"

"Of everything, I'm scared of how much I love you, I'm scared of losing you, I'm scared that I'm not enough for you, that I can't give you everything you deserve, that I can't make you happy...."

"You make me so happy Danny, don't ever doubt that." I answered sincerely "what makes you say that you're not enough for me?"

"You deserve to have someone who is there for you all the time and I can't offer you that."

"What are you talking about? You are always there for me, day and night, I speak to you all the time."

"But I'm not there for you, I can't even find any time to see you before Christmas, you don't deserve that."

"I knew what you did for a living when I chose to get involved with you Danny. I understand that you have to work, I've never complained about that."

"No, but I'm complaining about it, I don't want you to feel like second best or to ever think I don't have time for you.  But with work, the truth is, I don't.  I wish I had a normal job 9-5 and I could come home to you everyday."

"Danny you'd be bored within a week. 'Find something you love to do and then do that for the rest of your life.' You said that and you're so lucky to be doing what you love.  Look at last night, you and Mark couldn't help yourselves from jamming on guitars, I could see how much you had missed music."

"But your life's not in London."

"What?"

"I heard what you said to Rina, your life's not in London."

"It's not, no, but it doesn't mean it never will be.  What was I meant to say?"

"I dunno, it just hurt me to hear you say that you're life's not in London."

"Danny, you're life's not in London, you've got a family in Dublin and a job that takes you all over the world.  London's your base, but it's not really your home."

"Could you ever see a day when London's your base too?"

"If it means spending more time with you, then yes, you mean the world to me and I know that one day I'll have to give up my life to be with you and it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make when the time's right."

"But you don't think we're there yet?"

"We're close" I answered.  Part of me wanted to tell Danny that I would give up everything immediately to be with him, I love him so much and I desperately want to be with him but I have a career, a home, family and friends who are pulling me back.  Or is it just fear that's stopping me?

"Do you have to go tomorrow?" Danny asked with a hint of hope that I would stay.

"I'm back at work on Monday, I have to go."

"I'm going to miss you so fucking much."

I knew I was going to miss him too, I felt like I was being pulled so hard in different directions, then I had an idea;

"What about if I started to come and stay here on the weekends, when I'm not at work?  That way we can start to live a bit more like a normal couple, see each other regularly and while you're at work I can see how my life would be here when you're not around?"

"And if you like it you'll move?" Danny sounded excited.

"One step at a time Danny, at least this way I will see you regularly and won't have to pick  a fight to make it easier to leave." I said with a slight giggle.  When I had some time to consider his theory, it did make some sense.

"Was I right?"

"I dunno, but I prefer your theory to mine."

"Which is?"

"That I'm a total psycho who doesn't know a good thing when I see it?"

"I'm totally right." Danny said with a smile.