I Told Myself I Wouldn't Fall For You; Sweeran

Chapter Nine; It's Not The Same, Is It?

I woke up and rolled over hoping to see Ed lying next to me, waking me from this horrible dream. But I was slapped with reality when I saw Ed's side of the bed empty. Silent tears rolled down my face as I lay there, never wanting to get up.

Here it all comes. All the pain. I honestly though Ed was going to be different, all those first time feelings I had gotten, believing he was always going to be there for me, and how we'd be forever. But I was wrong, and here comes all the news story's of how "Taylor has yet another breakup." and "Did Taylor only date Ed to write new songs" I was dreading it all. The interviews, the questions, the I told you so's, and mostly, I was dreading having to see him every night on tour and act like I was okay. How I would have to introduce him as my best friend and sing a love song with him every night for another 3 months. I sat up, with a knot in my stomach realizing how bad this could be. I could feel the smudged makeup all over my face, and my eyes stung from crying.

I picked up my phone and saw I had four unread messages. Three from Ed and one from Grant. I didn't read them, as I wasn't ready to hear the excuses yet. I put on a sweatshirt and walked downstairs. I sat down on the couch and stared out the window. I remember sitting here with Ed feeling safe and as if I could ask for nothing more. Everything reminded me of him. I then felt my phone vibrate in my hand. I brought my phone closer to my face so I could read it, and of course, it was him.

I fought with myself on whether I wanted to answer it or not. I wanted to hear his voice, but I was also so angry and upset I wouldn't know what to say I let it ring three times before hitting the accept button.

I hesitated and tried to calm down before saying anything.

"....Hello." I said, quietly.

"Taylor...thank you for answering I just wanted to start by saying I'm so sorry and It didn't mean anything, that kiss, it was nothing we were both drunk, and there was no emotion whatsoever. When I saw you, I snapped out of It, and when you left, I stood in the driveway for a good twenty minutes staring at where your car had dissapeared in the darkness. I can't even express how I felt then. I knew I had made you cry, and I was beating myself up for it. I felt so stupid, and useless. I was worried as well, I was worried that you wouldn't make it home safe. I couldn't stop pacing and letting my emotions and thoughts run wild. I felt so bad, I couldn't sleep at all last night and when you didn't answer my texts, I got sick to my stomach in worry that you didn't make it home. It didn't feel right not saying "I love you before bed." When I walked back to where grant was, I had tears streaming out of my eyes and I was crying like a baby. I felt like such an idiot. I stayed over night here and I just sat in the darkness wondering about you. I'm so sorry Taylor. I understand if you don't forgive me." Ed poured his heart out over the phone, causing me to start bawling my eyes out.

"God Damn It I can't believe I made you cry." Ed said angrily as he found out I was crying.

"Ed I can't do this. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle losing you and I can't." I said all choked up. "I can't do this." I said pulled the phone away from my ear and just as I was about to click the end button, I could hear Ed.

"But you haven't lost me.." my thumb hit the button and I dropped my phone and wrapped my arms around my legs and curled up into a ball crying. I didn't want to do anything ever again.

I must've fallen asleep because I woke up in the same position and I heard someone knocking on the door. I didn't even care how I looked, I didn't have the energy to fix anything so I stumbled to the door as a walking mess. I took a deep breath before opening the door and being wrapped in a hug. It felt good, even though I didn't actually process who it was. It was a well needed hug, but when I opened my eyes and saw it was ed, my arms dropped from around him and my eyes were flooded.

"Babe." He said.

"Don't call me babe." I pulled away from him. "How did you get here?" I managed to say. I was trying so hard not to breakdown. Crying in front of him was bad enough.

"I asked Grant to give me a ride, now please sit down and talk to me." He said, seating himself on my couch.

"Fine." I said, sitting down, trying hard not to act like I was as upset as I actually was. The tears pouring from my eyes made that difficult though.

I looked into his eyes, and missed that feeling when I could stare into them for moments and be overwhelmed with love.

"Taylor listen, I am so sorry. You're killing me though, please tell me what you feel. I want to know everything I've put you through. I want to try and help you. I'm so sorry. I was drunk and didn't know what I was thinking." Ed explained.

"So whenever you get drunk you can stop loving me and I can forgive you for it?" I snapped.

"No Taylor that's not what I mean. Please just tell me how you feel." Ed begged.

"There's too much to try to explain. I'm hurt, and you'll never understand how badly." I said, beginning to stand up, but Ed pulled me back down and kissed me.

"Stop Ed. You don't understand. It's not the same." I lied. It was the same. His kiss always made me fall in love with him more. And I though because I was so mad and upset when he kissed me this time it would change, but it didn't. It was the same. I wanted nothing more than to kiss him again, but I was so hurt at the moment, all I wanted to do was leave. I got up from the couch and grabbed my keys, with all the memories of our short time together flashing in my mind causing me to cry again. I ran to the door and got into my car, pulling out of the driveway, not really knowing where I was going or what I was doing, but I needed something to clear my mind. Tears were falling down my face and I went to wipe them away, just as an eighteen wheeler appeared coming down the road of me, I swerved to get away from it, and the last thing I remember was darkness.