Chim - Mirrors

CHAPTER 49

Chapter Forty Nine

I don't know what to say.

It's incredibly windy and my hair keeps flying in my face, but I don't even have the energy to lift my hand and move my hair away.

Cindy's gravestone looks fresh still, not yet scratched and molded with time. I'm not even sure why I'm here. I just needed to get away.

It's been three days. And Cheryl's still the same. She doesn't talk. Just stares straight ahead. She barely sleeps, and when she does, she's constantly turning and moaning and wakes up screaming. She's not eating, either. The doctors were eventually resigned to having to use a feeding tube. 

Even I can't bring her back. And that breaks my heart more than anything. 

Mrs. S came by to see her, and she's stuck by my side almost as much as Abbie has. Sasha still hasn't come to see us because she's had to go the station to give her statement, but she's constantly texting me, telling me she'll come by and see her as soon as she can. Sarah and Nadine told me they're getting flights back home as soon as possible. And Nicola came to see her every day after school. She explained to the principal what was going on for me, and surprisingly, he'd sent me a letter telling me I could take as much time off as I needed.

I have no desire to go back to school anymore.

I'm exhausted. I'd barely slept over the last three days. I just watch her throughout the night, wanting to comfort her when she wakes up screaming, and crying when she screams louder as soon as I go near her. I'm emotionally and physically drained, but I can't give up. I refuse to.

Because I love her and I'm not going anywhere. Ever.

And I know she doesn't mean to scream and flinch every time I touch her or kiss her forehead. She's sick.

I love her and she's sick.

"God, I don't know what to do..." My voice sounds strained and broken, just like I feel. Of course I don't get a reply. Just Cindy's name on a tombstone glaring at me, reminding me that she's gone. She can't help me now.

She saved my life, but she's dead.

Is that supposed to be the balance? Was I supposed to die on that day that Robert almost raped me, but because Cindy saved me, she had to die instead?

I wish she hadn't saved me. I wish I had died that day. Maybe then Cheryl would be okay.

This is all my fault. The fire happened because I got in Vanessa's face. She lost all the ties she had to a family because of me. I always said I was no good for her. I should've left that day I tried to. Should've left and never looked back.

It's only been a few months but god, it feels like forever ago. I was on that bridge, smoking, trying my best to ignore my injuries and she ran past me and caught me when I fell. 

And I still remembered her even though I hadn't seen her for twelve years. Because you don't forget the person you've loved your entire life.

Why can't I just rewind time to our childhood, when we were innocent and carefree? When nothing bad had happened to us yet? Well, nothing as bad as what's happening now...

Abusive foster fathers. Fires. Mental disorders. 

I pinch the bridge of my nose with my fingers to keep my tears at bay. It hurts me every time I think about it.

She's sick.

I need to get out of here. Death feels like it's surrounding me. And I wanna welcome it. Because living hurts too much right now.