Personal Demons

12. This Feeling

There's an old tower that Leads straight to the roof. The windows had just iron bars. One of the window bars was loose so I moved it, and slipped through onto the rest of the roof. I ordered Narissa to stay inside. I found a good spot near the back side of the castle, and sat down. I don't understand this feeling. I just killed who I thought was the love of my life... I thought I would at least be sad, but I'm not. its worse than that... 

I feel happier now. I felt invigorated when I sank my teeth into her neck. That's how I know I'm a monster inside and out. I don't know who or what she was, but I should feel guilt or regret at least, but I don't. I feel empty now, and numb inside. This is so confusing, but also enraging. Maybe I should just jump off this roof right now! 

I looked out over this once beautiful glistening lake that is now a black whole in the ground with the reflection of a crescent moon. I let my legs dangle over the edge of this roof. Maybe one of the wood shingles would come loose and I would slide down plummeting to the ground... I griped onto the roof leaning forward. I heard the wood creek, and I leaned back. I looked up at the moon. I'm a monster. I'm evil! I don't deserve to live! I leaned forward again. I listened as the wood groaned in complaint. I rested my elbows on my knees and held my face. I don't even want the moon to see me cry. I don't understand! 

Why am I crying why can I feel this pain in my chest that makes it hard to breath, but when I think about what I did I feel relieved! Why the fuck do I even feel emotions. I'm dead inside! Literally! I checked for my familiar pulse... As I suspected nothing. I slammed my fist into my chest repeatedly. "wake up! Wake up! WAAKE UUP! AHHHHHHH!" I screamed up at the moon. No one can hear me up here. No one can find me up here. I'm sure I would die from this height, right? I know no one would find me till morning. Maybe the sun would turn my body to ash before anyone found me. Then they would just think I left, or assume that the ash was me. They would never really know. I looked back down at the stone walk way that I would hit if I fell. I watched my tear fall Intell they were too small to see hit the ground. My eye stung and my vision was blurry with tears. I'm a walking abomination everything about me is wrong, but the worst part is I like it. That's what scares me... 

I like the power, the evil, the feeling of a smoldering fire in my heart. All I do is bottle it up, and forgot about it, Because i know its wrong. So i hold it in tell I snap. By flipping tables, hitting walls, or people for no good reason, but most of the time there is a reason. I love being bad it feels right to me. I have hard time knowing what's good or bad... I just have a general sense, but I don't see anything wrong with the things I do... There for I don't deserve to live, because i always end up hurting someone I love. I learned forward a little more. "Cori?" I jumped slightly from being startled. I twisted around slowly to see Ethan walking down the sloped roof. He said "what are you doing?" as he got closer I turned back around wiping the tears away. I responded "I just want to be alone." he said "I can't leave. I'm afraid you're going to do something stupid." he sat down next to me swinging his legs back and forth. The wind whipped our hair around. I looked at him trying to see his face through his burgundy hair. I said "aren't you cold?" I glanced at his bare chest. He has a lot more muscle then I thought! He asked "what are you doing up here Cori?" "I'm just thinking." 

"what are you thinking about?".... "....jumping"... "why?"... "Ethan I don't deserve to live! Look at me! I'm a fucking monster. I'm sick Ethan... I don't deserve to live. I don't feel bad about what I did I feel relieved! I'm numb inside I like hurting people. I'm a fucking abomination!-" Ethan struck me across the face *whack!* I yelled "WHAT THE HELL!" he grabbed my shirt pulling me forward, and sobbing into my chest. He yelled and scolded me. "you don't get to be selfish! You have people that love you! You can't leave! Don't you see!? I've done things I can't take back! so has Miko, we have all killed people! As Death Knights we are required as said in the codex, and for the sake of our honor to execute unjust people on the spot! Life isn't perfect especially not here! You need to get a hold of your self!" 

I grabbed his chin forcing him to look at me. I stared into his eyes for a moment. I crept forward and kissed him cutting off his sobs. I moved back and held his face looking at him. I said softly "I'm sorry, forget I said anything. Your right." I kissed him again. He said. "I love you Cori." I looked him in the eyes, and said "I love you too Ethan."