Dear No One | Jeon Jungkook

Chapter 17

September 26, 11:48 pm

nam seolhee.

It's been a week since I had started avoiding Jungkook after finding out what he did to Jinshil. Nowadays I would see Jinshil walking alone with a crestfallen look on her face, and it seems to me that she may have forgotten who she was anymore. I've tried talking to her many times the past few days but she would give me a fake smile instead and ask me if I was fine.

How and why would I be?

Jaeyong, on the other hand, still talks to me as much as he used to and he always promises to back me up in case something happens. I know that he's outgoing and charismatic but why is that I still feel so empty when I'm with him?

Why do I feel like I needed someone else there with me?

I heaved a sigh as my gaze dropped on the woman who's sleeping soundly on the couch. I slowlg kneeled down on the ground and just observed her as she sleeps, careful not to make a sound. And from there, I realized how different she looks from the outside.

How could she look this innocent while asleep? Why doesn't it seem like she sleeps with guys all the time? Why doesn't she look like the reason behind my scars? Why does she look like a mother right now?

I suddenly remembered when my late aunt told me about how beautiful and pure my mom was when they were little.

Why do I feel like I'm not someone who she wishes me to be?

My vision started to blur as my eyes started to be filled with tears. I slowly brought my trembling hand up and hesitantly touched her hair, carressing it a little and locking a few strands behind her ear.

My lips started to quiver at the thought of the possible consequence of what I'm doing right now if she ever wakes up.

But what can I do?

I'm glad at the fact that I could hold her, and even if she's asleep I could at least feel as if she was actually a mother to me, accepting me as her daughter and as a member of her family. I hate my stupid fantasies about ever feeling loved by her side of the family, but I'm probably this excited because I never got the chance to get this close to my mother without getting beaten up.

That's when I came to the realization that after if I ever kill myself tonight, I'll never get the chance to feel the warmth of the embrace of a real mother.

Maybe it was because of her that I never found out what caring means. Maybe it's because of her that I never found out what love means, either.

I quickly wiped the tears away from my eyes and chuckled a little, I'm so stupid.

But I couldn't help but think that if she ever looks at me the way I wanted her to, I would want her to teach me. I want her to teach me how to love myself, to care for others, to treasure the people who enter my life, to treasure the things that make me happy, and most of all, to treasure what's worth living.

If only that could happen. If only I knew more things about life other than being despised by her family, trying to survive school everyday, meeting people who distract me from my troubled thoughts and throwing rocks to No One who apparently is someone, of course.

Shit.

I heaved another sigh and silently stood up in a careful motion because I knew that I couldn't keep staring at my own mother. If she ever opens her eyes and catches me sitting in front of her, I don't know what will happen to me after that.

When I finally stood up, I suddenly felt a hand latched around my wrist in surprise.

"Seolhee?" I suddenly heard my mom call me. I stood frozen and aghast at the sound of my name coming from her mouth.