Towers | (Ashton Irwin) / #wattys2016

Chapter 16

**...I won't even bother to tell you what happened, because you don't care.. no one does, they just don't want to be rude, so they don't tell you in your face, that they don't give a fuck about you! They are all the same. When you need someone NO ONE is here. Not one single human being is not here right now. I need help and don't have a clue where to find it. How can I be happy? You know, when you live in a life like mine, you're bullied once, fine you can move one, twice, you'll go through with it and so on, then eventually it's starts to show up... but somehow, you find a release in self harm and it's fine for a bit, it's getting worst when you realize that your parents don't even want you... no friends, body shaming, more self harm. It's almost impossible to be happy, I mean truly happy again.. It all goes way too deep in your subconscious. There's just something, almost like a voice that wants you to give up and it's more convincing, than the voice who says to keep trying. You already thinking about doing it and when you realize that there probably won't be anyone at your funeral just makes this voice louder, you can barely hear the other one, but it's still there...

You know, what kind of a need do I get when something get so messed up, I get this strong urge to harm myself, to feel pain, it helps me. I don't know how, but it does. At least for some time... I guess that, when I see my blood and feel pain I'm satisfied, finally I get what I deserve. Yeah, so I'm just gonna go, K, bye*

I can't believe, what happened... the way she felt here, this is no joke, she needed help, why she didn't find one? She was alone, that made everything worse. The way she felt here, not a single person in the world should feel. This is just so messed up, to much negativity for one person, but I guess, I kinda understand, the way people let her down all her life... 

** June 27, 2014

 Hey. I'm back, after almost 14 days, it's actually 13 days if we're being precise. So I wrote a few songs, went on a few of my concerts, meet some incredible fans and they kinda gave me a little more energy to keep going and trying. Some of them told me, that they are feeling the same way I am and that I'm an inspiration to them, that I'm the reason they don't self harm anymore, so that's the thing that keeps me going. I didn't tell anyone what happened. I just keep smiling and keeping my head high and they don't suspect a thing. I'm still alone, I mean there are people around me most of the time, but I feel alone, I feel empty... so another news, three more concerts and I'm off to Australia to meet some people who can help me with my album.  So yeah, I'm going on July 5th so that's preatty close and I am kinda nervous, I've never been that far from my home but I'm kinda happy about that, new people, new environment, maybe new opportunities for... oh who am I kidding like there is someone out there who will care about me.. yeah pretty good joke. **

Well, you'll see that there is... I think the time we meet is getting closer and closer. But what happened before that? I think I know what, but I can't put my arm in the fire yet...

**So yeah, I decided that I'm gonna tell you what happened. I don't care if you'll be bored or what ever, I need to get this out, maybe I will feel lighter.

So basically, you know when I said that I will go to Josh's house? Yeah I went there, I knocked on a door and waited for quite a time, too long if you ask me. I already thought he's not at home, but then I saw his car in a garage and also this girly car a few feet from his car caught my eye. It was red and I know it's not really a car for girls, but in movies girls usually drive cars like this... oh I don't know how do you call a car like that, I'm really bad when come to a knowledge about cars. Wait I will google it... yeahh that's it. I find it. It was red Volkswagen New Beetle. I don't know why I saw this car, it could be from anyone, but I guess women do have pretty good senses. So after I almost changed my mind and walk away, the door opened and it was Josh shirtless and this blonde girl with a red dress that wasn't even a dress, because everything that supposed to be covered... well it wasn't. I knew what was going on the second he opened the door, he also had hickey and there was a red lipstick smudged all up on his face and also her hair was a little to messy to be purposely messy, if you know what I mean.

My heart broke at that moment, I remember my whole body going numb and they both looked me in the eyes and smiled to my face, that blonde bitch smiled at me! And you know what happened next? Josh kissed her IN FRONT of me to say goodbye to her, and no it wasn't an innocent kiss. I was shaking, I had this lump in my through, my eyes started to water and he was kissing her in front of me. So when she left this happened. He said: "What are you doing here?" he was looking at me with disgusted face, I have never been so humiliated in my life, he was looking at me like I was a piece of shit...

"You said it was only me..." I said quietly, not really talking to him, more to myself.

He laughed: "Come on Kendall, you are not serious, you are dumb as fuck if you believed it... I mean there are a lot more pretty and hot girls out there.. If I'm really honest, yeah I thought I would give you a chance since you almost become famous, then, at least, I would have something from you.." he smirked and continued... "but now, you are back to being nothing, now I will go and find a girl with whom I won't be actually ashamed to be seen in public. Because you honey, you're not my type and not pretty at all. Now bye, have a nice evening and sorry for your dreams to crash since you obviously won't be famous singer in this lifetime." And he shot a door in my face.**

"You son of a bitch!" I jeled out, how dare he?! I was shaking from rage and anger, how can he? I mean did you see him, he is a fucking joke, how does he find a confidence to tell other people that? I know that he hurt her, but she never told me what he told her, she just said he cheated... I would beat the crap out of him... and the worst part is, he probably knew she was vulnerable, he fucking knew she had low self esteem and he put her even lower, he buried her with this words, how? How, I don't understand? What should his mum and dad did to bring this on to the world... and I'm not even sorry for thinking like that!

**I was done, I couldn't breathe, I thought I was going to passed out, I was dizzy... the whole ride to my house I was repeating what he said, he was right, I couldn't even cry at that moment... when I come home it wasn't pretty and even after I wrote that confusing chapter or whatever... let's just say that my legs right now, I decided to cut my legs, since my arms could be seen.. I don't want to show them, too many scars are waiting to be heal, but they never do, because they are already fresh cuts on them... and at that moment I thought I would give up on singing too, but I decided, I won't, I will give my all to the people who need a hand to help carry them in to the life, even thought it might cost me my life, it still worth it, even if I save only one life.. so I will keep trying, keep smiling and pretending like everything's alright, maybe my happiness will come or maybe it won't , but at least I can say I tried. K, bye.**