Towers | (Ashton Irwin) / #wattys2016

Chapter 27

... so the boys... I miss them, all of them.  We were inseparable the last couple of days in Australia. We had so much fun, but like I said, they couldn't come here with me, but I promised that I will go back once I finish all the work here in US. We text all the time, they are really good for me, their energy and stuff... it's just make me feel happy and I feel like they really care for me, you know? For real, not just because they have to or anything like that. But on the second thought, I don't know, maybe I'm wrong and maybe they don't really care, they just hang out with me because they pity me, because I'm alone or maybe they are using me for my fame... I don't know.  You can't know really, now than I think about it. People today are unpredictable, you can't trust anybody, because they might act all sweet and nice around you and the first chance they get.. boom... they stab you in the back like 30 times, and I'm not overreacting. That is the world we live in today sadly. And then we wonder why so many of us have trust issue... how can't we not, if everyone is acting like that? I wonder where all the kindness went? It's rare to talk to one kind person today, and if you have the luck to do so, it probably won't less long, because sooner or later this person will trust someone and the other person will fuck him up.**

That is actually true, kindness today is so rare, but Kendall is kind, she always was, maybe a little too kind. I mean she always wanted to help others, before herself.. oh if only there were more people like Kendall, this world would be such a good place to live in. But like she said... even that one kind person gets fucked up in someway. Kendall also included. That son of a bustard Josh destroyed her in any possible way. Her trust, her self esteem, her believing in love and happy endings... but she still stayed kind after all the bulshit she went throught with him.

So she didn't trust us completely at first, she wasn't sure if we are using her or not... I had this feeling, but I never really brought it up.. I thought, I only imagine stuff. I sometimes do that. But turns out I was right... that is what? The second time my feeling didn't let me down.

** Sorry, I just lost it for a bit because this make me so angry... I don't undarstand why do you have to be soo mean and betray someone and their trust and everything.. I don't get what do you get from it? What's in it for you? I really don't understand no matter how hard I try, I still can't, because it doesn't make any sense. And then people think that zombies are cruel and mean, honesty, I would much rather be a zombie and eat human brains, then broke a human heart. It's still better if you think, or is it? I think so anyways.

Ughhh Kendall calm down... hihi sorry about that. So let's move on to the right path, so Ashton...

Well let me bring it down for you and crash all your hopes at the beginning... nothing happened. Yeah that's right... nothing at all. I thought something would happened, but I guess I just thought he likes me and in reality he really doesn't?**

"What? No, no, nooo, that is not good." I say out loud.. again, damn I'm talking to myself like crazy person. But really, she thought I don't like her. I do like her, here, did like her. But, I just did't know what to do or how to act around her and then I made her feel like I didn't like her... nice Ash, nice.. that wasn't in my plan, what do I do now? .. Oh for fucks sake, I can't do nothing, because this already happened, ups, I forget sometimes that I'm reading her diary and that already happened and I can't change a thing. But it's funny how, I would like to change so many things, now that I see everything from her eyes.

** But he talked to me all the time even in private chats and sometimes he touched me in that weird kinda way. But maybe he wants to be just friend... I guess. What did I expect. But really at first I thought he didn't make a move because we were actually never alone, all the other boys were with us all the time, but they were always joking about how Ash wants to impress me and how he likes me and stuff, so I thought they were pointing up to something... and then my last evening in Australia we were hanging out at Calum's, like we usually did and then I said I will go back to my hotel and Ash insisted to go with me... so I thought that something will happen, you know how it goes. After I said goodbye to the others we took an uber and the whole drive to my hotel we were talking and laughing, because that's the thing with me and Ashton we never run out of the topics for our conversation, sometimes we talk really deep shit and sometimes just nonsense. After the car ride he wanted to walk me up to my room and then I invited him in... we decided to watch a movie, Now you see me... I know such a good movie, and our legs were touching but that wasn't really something new, because me and the boys were cuddling all the time. And after the movie was over there was an awkward silence, we just lay in bed, I have to admit, I was feeling kinda anxious and giddy  and I didn't really know why. I always feel natural with him you could say and then, when you expect that he would do something or say something... well he indeed said something, but that's not something I wanted to hear, he just said: "I will go now, goodnight." And he went... just like that...**

Man, that is humiliating, I knew, the moment I walked out of her room, that I screwed it up and I thought I will go back, but that would be even more lame. I was nervous, because I wanted to make a move but just didn't know how and I was also scared that she wanted to be just friends and stuff. I know I fucked up so bad but I just, she makes me feel soo... not myself. That is lame, I feel so uneasy reading this.

**.. Like what? Not even a hug? We hugged before many, many times before. I mean, if you have a chance to tell a girl that you like her why don't you? Unless you don't like her.. or it's just me thinking this way and maybe there is a new kind of way of telling someone you like them and I don't know about it? I mean is it so hard for a guy, who likes a girl to just tell her that he likes her? **

Yes, I think to myself, it is that hard.

**What are you afraid off? At the end of the day you only can gain from this particular situation, you can't lose anything. I wonder sometimes how exactly a male brains work... apparently not nearly the same way as females brains does.

But wait? What if I got all the sings wrong and he does not like me... than all of this are just filled up rows with empty words, kinda shameful words really... Yeah, eather way after that, I went back to US and I've talked to Ash yes, but I've got feeling that's not the way we talked before, you know what I mean? It's just something akward going on and stuff... I don't know why, but it seems like none of us really don't know what to say. It makes me wonder, if we will ever talk the same way we did before. But I just hope I won't lose him, or any of the boys for that matter, I hope we will stay at least friends. Because they are my sun in the cloudy days. I can't way to get back to them, I know this sounds cheesy, but maybe with them, I wil get better, maybe they can really help me. I hope, but hey, when there is a hope, there is also a way isn't it? We'll see right? 

So that is that for now.. I will keep you updated. Talk to you soon. K, bye xxx**