Towers | (Ashton Irwin) / #wattys2016

Chapter 23

** "Are you serious? That is awesome! What are you called, how many songs do you have, who plays what, who sings, how do you sound, when is the next practices because I have to be a part of it!" I said clapping my hands together in excitement. They all looked me a little bit in shock, I don't even know why, but yeah.

"Okay, that was better that we expect... so we are called 5 seconds of summer, I thought of that name and I don't even know why, just thought it sound professional. We have few songs, Calum wrote them, so me and Luke play guitars, Calum is on the bass and Ash is rocking on the drums, we all sing and the rest of the questions... I forgot." Michael answered proudly. Wooow so Ashton also sings and plays drums, can this get any better? Like seriously...

"When is the next practise?" I smiled looking at Ashton a little too obvious, but what I was only tried to imagine him, how he looks when he's drumming. He was looking at me too, so we exchanged a smile.

"The next practice is whenever you have time and by the looks of it I guess she is into drummers." Luke brings my focus back to them and not only to Ash. And his statement made me blush and Ashton blushed too, oh my, he is such a sweetheart.

"Well I have time now." I pointed out. 

"No, no, I mean it's late and all, let's just watch a movie or something." Ashton quickly jumps in, all the other boys are looking him confused, just like me. 

"I mean guys, she is a singer, we have to practise a little more before she hears us, don't you think? Yeah I think so too, nice suggestion Luke. So what movie should we watch?" He turned the topic around like he's being paid for it. And he made Luke even more confused, I swear poor Luke, he looks so confused all the time, but on the other hand he looks badass, but when he opens his mouth he's not, but he is, but... oh what am I doing? 

So we agreed that on the day that Skyscraper will be released, I will go to the band practise. I wonder if there are any good. Hmm... who knows, maybe they can make it. I hope so, I root for them. So then we watched The X-men. I was sting on the sofa next to Ashton and during the movie I just purposely changed my position the way that out legs were touching and by the end of the movie he cuddled up to me, like he announced to the others that he wants to cuddle and stuff so then they all say that I'm there and so he kinda cuddle up to me, but it was more like joke, it wasn't too serious I think. Or was it? I don't know. Ugh... so when the movie was over, I headed back home I mean to my hotel, because it was actually past 11 pm and I got there in like 3 pm, I don't even know where the time flew. So before I went they all hugged me individually, and we made a deal that we are talking like non stop and stuff. I started to walk to the front door to get out but Ashton escorted me, and he said that I should let him know when I'll be back in the hotel and that he had really nice time and he hugged me again and I was dead, just kidding, but it was definitely so hot and I felt like sharks or eagles in my stomach. But it felt nice. So yeah that was it and after I get to my hotel I texted Ash and we talked for a bit and we even created a group chat with all the boys and before sleep I just went to social media and I talked to some fans and that was it..

Today in the morning I had to go to the studio and now I'm here in my hotel room. We are almost done with all the songs, I can't believe it and it's 3 more days and Skyscraper is out... and I don't know how to feel about it. I mean, I'm excited but it's just like I don't have energy to smile and to be so excited. The only thing that excites me a little is Ashton, but I was just thinking... I don't get as happy as I should when I think about him or my songs or album or anything. Most of the time I feel empty and this sucks. Yeah I felt something when I was at Calums but it didn't last you know. When something awesome happens to you, you are pumped about it for a moth almost, but me... a few hours and that is that. What is happening. I want to feel happy, truly happy. I hope that the album would help, or Ashton or the guys when they'll play.. I just don't know, and my thoughts are so random, at first is everything okay and decent, I won't say good, it's dicend, and the other second there is a war going on in my head, all the bad memories come flooding right back, and the thoughts I don't even think about them, like never before did i had thoughts like this they just pop in my head, like really bad thoughts. Like someone close to me dying, but then I realized that no one is really that close to me, then I remember the boys and Mia and my crew.... then I suddenly start to think what if me and my crew would have an accident or something like that. And the thoughts that I'm scared the most... when I see the most random stuff and somehow I find a way to end my life with this random stuff... like bridge, tree, bathtub, pills, knives... yeah I don't want to go into a details and when just something gets through me this power almost like urge to hurt myself. I have to really try and resist, because I just want to cut myself so bad, it's like I need to feel the pain or something I don't know. So I didn't told that anyone, not even my shrink, yeah I got one, they hired her to help me through the fame and stuff, I guess every famous person has a shrink or something like that they told me. So I didn't told her that not even Mia, I don't want to. There is nothing wrong with me... I'm fine, I told you and now that I got this out of my chest everything will be just fine. So yeah that's it, I think. I will keep you updated as always. K, byee xx **