Mirror Mirror Can't You See, What You Show Is Killing Me

2 Years [Chapter 8]

That night, things are different than usual. We can all feel the tension in the air, in 3 weeks it will be exactly 2 years since the suicide, and my birthday. 

"2 years," Kiara whispers. 

I nod, unable to trust my voice. I can't believe that I've survived two entire years without them. I miss Cassidy's crazy relationships, Abby's careful clothing and music critique, and even Kat's perverted jokes. 

She was the worst, making the nastiest jokes imaginable, we tried not to laugh but it was impossible. Between giggles we'd beg her to stop. I wish she never did. 

But it's too late to take back what's been done, the dead remember it, the living try not to. 

"Any memories for tonight?" Riley starts shakily. 

I open my mouth, "One time, we were walking down the hallway, the four of us. One kid, a jock I think, told us that we should kill ourselves because filthy lesbians go to hell. He walked away, and I think that was the first time we thought about it. 

"I mean, it was an escape right? We became enthralled at the idea, that we could leave this sick, twisted world, full of cruel, cold-hearted creeps. We planned so many ways to do it. Drink bleach, overdose, jump from a bridge. 

"We decided they were all too cliche'," At this point I spread my hands, "You guys know the rest of the story." 

They all nodded solemnly, they knew the story all too well. 

"Caia?" Maddie looks at me. 

"Yeah?"

"Why did you do it?" She's honestly asked the same question over and over again. Instead of telling her that it was better than living, I surprised myself with a different answer. 

"We were tired of failing, suicide was something we could do right. Well," I snorted darkly, "all except me." 

They try to reassure me that it's a good thing I lived, but I see it in their eyes. 

Kiara wished Kat had the broken rope.

Riley wished I was hanging instead of his girlfriend. 

Maddie wished it was her little sister Abby explaining why, she could have said it so much better.

For them, I am not a survivor, I am just some fragment of their lost ones that they cling to desperately, yet they resent me for daring to live. 

Kiara notices that their words have done nothing so far. 

"Caia," she attempts to smile, succeeding in a weak grimace, "You're turning 16 in only a couple weeks, be happy! Drivers license, freedom, come on." 

"I don't want to turn 16!" I cry, unable to pretend anymore, "They will never turn 16! Abby was supposed to teach me to drive, so I could teach Kat, and she could teach Cassidy. who's going to laugh along with me when I fail, cheer me on when I do something right?"

They all begin to volunteer, but I don't let them get that far, 

"No! You'll never be fully there with me! You'll imagine me as Kat, or Abby, or Cassidy!" I'm now breaking down, crumpling to the floor, "Don't you see?" I whisper, "I can't do this without them anymore." 

My strength is gone, and I'm rocking back and forth on the pavement, grieving for time we never had. 

I look up through wet lashes, 

"I'm done, my time is running out. Do you know how many times I've tried to join them?"

I pull up my sleeves, showing cuts and burns. I toss my hair back, revealing the scar on my neck from trying to hang myself the first time, mixed with every time since. I lift my shirt enough for them to see the scar on my stomach. 

"I had to have my stomach pumped, my throat rebuilt, the blood replacing from my draining veins. I want to do it right this time." I roll down my sleeves and stand up, falling immediately into Ky's outstretched arms. 

"No, Caia. You can't," he murmurs into my hair. I can feel his tears falling into my hair, his arms holding me tighter, "Don't do this to me. Not now." 

I look down, unsure of how to answer. 

"At least think about it for a while," he pleads, "I need you, and only you. I need my Caia cat."

"Ok," I hear myself sigh, "I'll think about it."